


I bury my love for you

by blushingprince



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Homophobia, Idiots in Love, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Roommates, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Smut, financial abuse, lambert is kinda evil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:16:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27125761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blushingprince/pseuds/blushingprince
Summary: Dimitri and Felix are long lost childhood friends who haven’t seen or heard from each other in years. One fateful day, they reunite in the most unlikely of places, both being hospitalized together. While Dimitri explains that he can’t be a part of Felix’s life because his father is keeping the two apart, that isn’t going to hold for long or satisfy Felix. Dimitri shows up at Felix’s physical therapy office a few days later as a patient and realizes he can’t stay away. The two must navigate this new world of knowing each other, what it means, and what is truly keeping them apart.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32
Collections: Dimilix Big Bang





	1. Second Meeting

Felix’s eyes slowly opened, though it was a sluggish effort and he could barely move parts of his body.  _ What time is it? Where am I?  _ The steady pumping of his heart and faint pain in his chest reminded him that he was, indeed, alive. He looked around the room and took in the sparse interior: white walls, the overpowering smell of disinfectant, and an eerie quiet which he knew did not extend beyond the room’s walls. He was most definitely alive – something that he did not expect a few days ago. It was hard to gauge when exactly he got there. His memory felt a little fuzzy. 

  
  


Where was his phone? He needed to check the time and date. Sitting up was an entirely different struggle, however. His body ached with reproach to how he had treated it in weeks prior. Felix recalled how Ingrid, Sylvain, and Ashe had told him to go to the doctor and take care of his cold earlier. He stubbornly refused, though, and ended up with pneumonia. Had to drive himself to the hospital at 2 AM when he knew things got too bad. The road had looked so foggy and his head had hurt so badly – it was a miracle he made it there in one piece.

_ I never realized how alone I was. _

The hospital admitted him immediately, of course. Felix cringed thinking about how stupid he was – that he thought he could get over his cold by drinking enough orange juice and tea even when his fever was alarmingly high. The pain that ran through his body and lungs attested to his regret.

Felix turned his head in mild contemplation of yet another stupid action. Was there…another person in the room? They were slumped in another bed near the far wall, covered with as many hospital blankets as could cover a person. It wasn’t that he was upset, he was just mildly curious. After all, who would be unlucky enough to be stuck in here with him?

After a few more brief considerations, Felix attempted to sit up again. All of his muscles screamed at him as he grabbed his phone which lay on the bedside table. Pressing it on, he saw an unending stream of text messages and groaned loudly. He locked his phone and set it back down. He’d deal with it later.

A cough resounded from the other side of the room.

“Not too happy, huh?”

Um, excuse me? Was this person trying to initiate a conversation with him? Felix was only trying to mind his own business while recovering from nearly  _ dying _ . Let alone sharing space with someone, he was just trying to get through the day. And now this person wanted to  _ talk to him? _

“Everything’s great,” Felix replied curtly.

The mound of blankets grunted and rolled back over, going back to whatever he was doing.  _ Thank the Goddess _ . Felix hoped that he wouldn’t have to talk anymore to that freak show and laid back down, phone in hand. His thoughts darkened. What if he hadn’t made it to the hospital? What if he wasn’t able to drive himself? Sylvain and Ashe kept offering to help him with things, but he always pushed them away. Felix struggled to let people in on his emotions or care for him. He had to do everything himself – even if that meant taking care of his cat, grocery shopping, his job, his apartment, his clients, and absolutely anything else alone. Felix loathed the idea of people helping him; it made him feel like he wasn’t as strong as he set out to be. He needed to be independent and take care of everything himself. But where did that get him? Alone in the hospital with a weirdo in the bed beside him?

Night fell and Felix tried to walk around the hospital halls with a nurse by his side, but he didn’t see much or get far. It was honestly still a struggle to move around too much. After a few hours his “roommate” turned on the TV and came out from his blanket cocoon. He appeared to have some broken limbs. Felix peeked to see which program the man was watching – it was some nonsensical children’s show. The characters on the screen joined in a dance and began singing and it hit Felix that he had watched this as a child.

“Hey… I think I know this,” Felix mumbled to himself.

“It’s good,” the man said quietly.

Felix scratched his head. He was never good in these situations. It didn’t even matter, he’d never see this person again. Still, he felt anxious.

“I always liked the sword fighting episodes,” Felix added.

The stranger smiled at him, and from the small light coming into the room, Felix could see he was sort of handsome. His hair was a huge unkempt, unruly mess, though. Felix wondered why someone who might be moderately attractive would not take care of their hair, but then he realized he did not care at all.

“I always liked the sword fighting ones, too,” the stranger added, smiling faintly.

Felix gawked, slight shock going through his mind. Nobody ever agreed with him on that, not that it was a huge deal…  _ Whatever, just ignore it and walk away _ . He watched for a few more minutes. The characters on the screen were lit up with color and the old animation styles. He should just…go to sleep. He was probably just very sleepy.

Felix rolled over in bed and closed his eyes.

________________

Felix awoke the next morning to a nurse taking his vitals and realized once again that he was alive. The gown they gave him hung loose on his body, but it was the only thing he could wear. He internally shrieked about it for the first few hours of the day. The hospital offered to allow someone to bring him clothing but Felix couldn’t decide who to call. After stewing on the idea for a couple of hours he decided not to reach out to anyone. He didn’t want to worry anyone and was horrified at the idea of anyone seeing him like this. He only hoped he’d be let out soon. After breakfast was served, Felix meandered through the television channels, since that was pretty much the only thing to do. A voice beside him yawned, letting him know his roommate was awake. Whatever. It’s not like Felix cared. He was just a stranger.

Now in the full daylight, it was easier to see the stranger’s full face. And wow, was his hair a mess. A nicer face hid beneath all that fringe. Felix didn’t even notice he was staring.

“Something on my face?” the stranger asked rather politely.

“Yeah, like, all of your hair. It’s a mess.”

The stranger chuckled. “Should I shave my head?”

“No, you just have to get your shit together,” Felix said.

Again, the stranger laughed. “Get my shit together, huh….very interesting.”

“It’s not funny!” Felix retorted, arms crossed. “You can’t just go around with your hair all fucked up.”

To this, the stranger only laughed harder. Felix could not for the life of him understand why. 

“Why not?”

Felix shrugged. “You look like a goddamn farm animal.”

The man smiled, “Thank you for the compliment.” He paused. “Tell me, what is your name?”

“Why should I tell you my name?” Felix said.

“It will make speaking to you easier.” 

“Well, maybe I don’t want that.”

“You can call me Dimitri,” the stranger replied, smiling.

Felix scowled and walked away.

__________________

Later in the day, the nurses carefully washed and combed out Dimitri’s hair. It seemed he didn’t have much of a choice – either that or get his head shaved. While that was going on, Felix paced the halls and rated his irritation of Dimitri.  _ He thinks we’re going to be friends or something. _ Felix hated people who expected things from him. He would do what he wanted, where and when he wanted to. He would talk to this guy on his own terms. Anything more would only lead to Dimitri’s disappointment, after all. Felix would just ruin everything for him… disappoint him. Felix was tired of disappointing people. He had only known one Dimitri before, and things couldn’t get worse than that.

Felix grimaced. Everybody realized sooner or later that they didn’t want to be around him.

_ Just tell him your name _ .  _ He introduced himself first _ .

_ What if I get attached to him, and then he leaves? We’re in a fucking hospital! _

_ They always leave. _

___________________

Felix walked back to his room and saw soft silky hair. Blonde, soft, silky hair. The figure turned around and, lo and behold, it was Dimitri. He was incredibly handsome now, and Felix felt his stomach churn.  _ Not good. Not fucking good. _

“You still haven’t told me your name,” Dimitri said.

“It’s Felix. It doesn’t really matter.”

A flicker of recognition went through Dimitri’s eyes. “Last name?”

“That’s personal, okay.” Felix scowled.

There was a moment of awkward silence and broken eye contact. Felix paced around the room. “So, why do you have all these broken bones?”

“Hit by a car. It didn’t manage to finish the job.” A dark look went over Dimitri.

“What kind of dumbass gets run over by a car?” Felix said thoughtlessly, and then he saw Dimitri’s face, and he fell quiet.

He hadn’t noticed the mild panic and desperation in Dimitri’s eyes until all that hair was out of the way. Eyes that seemed haunted while his mouth smiled on. Felix started to feel awkward. It wasn’t his place or role to deal with this. He knew how to fix people’s bodies, not deal with their emotional crap. Something about Dimitri was incredibly enticing though. Audacious. Felix was probably out of his mind. But those eyes followed him wherever he went. Something about them…. Something was just… calling to Felix.

_ You just learned his name like two hours ago. Calm the fuck down. _

Something about Dimitri seemed like a large, lost puppy. Felix considered himself more of a cat person, but then Dimitri met his eyes and gave a lackluster smile, and who’s to say this man who was pretty much a stranger wasn’t at least pretty fucking beautiful?

“Why do you have all those goddamn blankets on you?” Felix finally spoke, as if it was an accusation.

Dimitri paused, thinking. “Where I grew up as a child, it was frighteningly cold. I’m used to getting a lot of warmth.”

Felix scrunched his nose. “You mean up north in Fhirdiad?” Dimitri nodded.

“I used to live there too. I always loved the winter…It doesn’t get cold like that here in the south,” Felix pondered, half to himself.

“So, you understand,” Dimitri spoke, his face alight with memories, a smile creeping up on his mouth.

_ Should I ask more? I don’t know how much is too much. _

“W-why did you leave if you like it so much?” Felix asked.

A long, drawn-out sigh emerged from Dimitri. “It’s complicated, to say the least. ...Family.”

Felix paused. This sounded really complicated and messy, and they’d pretty much only known each other for 24 hours. Felix wasn’t a touchy-feely or personal guy. He only let a few select people truly know him. What if he wanted to learn things about  _ Felix? _ That sounded too dangerous. And gross. Really, really, really fucking gross. He had to admit, Dimitri was hot, but…his was a little much for him. Getting to know someone for the fun of it? How about no.

Felix coughed and shuffled backward. “Hey, I need to go check on my meds.”

“Of course,” Dimitri replied.

Felix grabbed his phone and found the most remote location to sit down in. Maybe he should contact his friends and let them know he was alright? Maybe they already knew. He couldn’t stand looking at the hundreds of text messages he had. Over the years, though, he had learned to be a little bit less selfish. He picked up his phone and responded to his group chat.

[Group chat]: Hey everyone I’m alive and I’m doing fine but don’t look for me or anything. Also, make sure to feed my cat or I’ll fucking kill you.

He promptly turned his phone off. That should handle things. That was simple, right? Felix always kept his cat’s food in the same cabinet. And it’s not like he felt  _ bad  _ about leaving Dimitri alone in their hospital room. It’s not like he owed the guy anything.

_ Dimitri….Fhirdiad….Blonde hair….how many blonde Dimitris from Fhirdihad exist? _

_ … _

_ … _

_ … _

_ How many blonde Dimitris from Fhirdiad exist? _

Felix turned his phone back on and opened up every social media he could find. He searched over and over again for “Dimitri from Fhirdihad” and checked to see if the men were blonde.

It was of no use, though. The Dimitri he knew growing up moved away when they were in 7th grade. He never heard from Dimitri again despite them being incredibly close…in fact, practically inseparable. He had no idea where his Dimitri was or if he was still alive. He didn’t even know if he was in Fodlan or what he looked like now. He could have changed his hair color or gotten tattoos. He had no reference to go off of. Even though he had tried to track down Dimitri hundreds of times, he got no results.

But something about the Dimitri in his hospital room was just  _ too  _ familiar. He was nothing like the young boy Felix once knew, but he filled Felix with nostalgia. Just, something about him. Felix had nothing to go on. He had stated that he moved away due to “family.” Felix tried to remember…tried to remember that eventful day in his life when his most important person left him.

This was ridiculous. There was one easy way to find out, wasn’t there? He was wasting his time ruminating on what ifs when he could have done this from the beginning. He stormed back to the hospital room, his quick pace hindered by his still-weakened lungs.

Pressing open the door and completely out of breath, he found Dimitri looking up at him questionably.

“You!” Felix nearly shouted.

“Me?” Dimitri asked.

“Are you  Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd?”

Dimitri looked at him blankly. “Yeah?”

Rage filled Felix’s mind. He marched towards Dimitri and grabbed the collar of his shirt. “You absolute garbage, I have been looking for you for 13 years!”

“Felix?” Dimitri implored. His weight sagged underneath Felix’s grab. Dimitri’s ruminating eyes ran across Felix’s face in repetition as he struggled to take in the knowledge that confronted him. He seemed unsure how to make use of his hands, like they were excess physical baggage. 

“Yes, go ahead and pretend that you don’t remember. Haha! Very funny. But I’m Felix Hugo Fraldarius and I’ve caught you red-handed, you bastard.” Felix’s still healing lungs caught up with him and he could barely grip Dimitri. It was all his rage boiled up inside of him that kept him latching on. Why did Dimitri look so innocent?

“This doesn’t make any sense…” Dimitri mumbled. He sat back down onto his hospital bed - limbs too weak to stand even for a just cause. Felix could barely maintain his grip, sheer anger powering him through the moment as he nearly let go, ready to bite like a feral street cat.

“Oh yes, it makes a lot of sense. See what’s going to happen is that I murder you and the hospital cleans up your body and then I go home with a sense of relief after not hearing about for all these long years.”

“You…wanted to hear from me?”

“Is your brain empty or am I just talking to an animal?”

“Felix… there’s been a misunderstanding. It was never my intention to…to do that.” Dimitri placed his hands against the ones Felix was rattling on his collar.

“I don’t know what kind of misunderstanding is that big,” Felix grit out through his teeth.

“Felix, I apologize for not being there for you. It’s…” Dimitri took a long sigh. “It’s a lot more complicated than I can explain.”

“What kind of half-assed excuse is that?” He removed his hands from Dimitri, suddenly all too aware of the physical touch, and began pacing around the room.

Dimitri looked somber as Felix fell quiet. Moments passed in pure silence. “I-it was my father,” Dimitri began, his voice cracking.

“Your father?”

“We were both set to inherit our father’s companies, but they’re rival corporations. He could see how much you meant to me. And he…didn’t want us…I guess he didn’t want us to be in contact anymore.”

“He didn’t let you talk to me?” Felix barely whispered, rage quivering in his voice, fists curling, his whole body reacting to the situation. Dimitri only nodded.

“That’s insane! Dimitri, I didn’t inherit my father’s company. I did something else with my life.”

Dimitri looked down. “But I am going to.”

“So, he just controls random aspects of your life? Don’t you want to be free?”

Dimitri opened and closed his mouth. “I didn’t know you were so close by.”

Felix ran a hand over his face. “Dimitri, this is ridiculous. What’s he going to do if he knows that you’re talking to me now?”

“I…won’t be allowed to continue.”

“Dimitri, you’re fucking 25. You should be allowed to decide who you get to talk to.”

Dimitri looked down. “Yes, I wish it were so,”

Neither of them spoke for a moment. “So, the time in the hospital is all we’ve got then?”

“Yeah.”

Felix let him go and walked back to his side of the room. had no idea how to approach this. Dimitri was  _ his  _ Dimitri, but he couldn’t actually stay. But he remembered him….he was the same person. It was all too confusing. Why couldn’t Dimitri just get away from his Dad? Was it that hard? Felix would never understand. He just found him again, and he was already being taken away. Felix ran an anxious hand through his hair, unable to find a comfortable position. Suddenly, his chest hurt more than before. 

To think, out of all the chances in the world, that they would end up in the same hospital room. Felix wanted to….maybe talk more. That would be nice. Felix laughed to himself. He missed Dimitri so much it hurt. Here he was, across the room, but then he was going to disappear. Was life truly so cruel? 

Glancing over at Dimitri on the other side of the room, Felix suddenly felt a wave of embarrassment over everything he had just done. That was his childhood friend, but he was now also an incredibly handsome adult man. He was…really hot. No doubt about it. Felix wondered if Dimitri felt any inkling of the same way about him. At least Felix knew he always tried to keep in the best shape. 

_ Focus, Felix!  _ Was there truly no way to change this situation? But Dimitri seemed like a beaten-up dog ready to give up. Felix had promised himself years ago that no matter what, he’d find a way back to Dimitri. Now here he was and it seemed like the two of them weren’t allowed to be friends. It was quite ridiculous. Why couldn’t Dimitri just try harder? Felix laid back on his hospital bed and recalled the days of his youth when he and his family lived in Fhirdiad.

_ Images of a snow-covered landscape surround two young boys who walk closely together. The blue-haired boy, Felix, trails behind the taller Dimitri, holding his sleeve. The cold doesn’t bite too hard because they walk steadily and focus on their goal. When they reach their destination, a nicely sized suburban home with brick decals, they push their way in and huddle together. The boys sit together in what is apparently Felix’s bedroom – a spacious area with light blue paint. _

_ “Dimitri, your parents keep talking about moving,” Felix whines. _

_ A bright-eyed Dimitri responds. “That’ll never happen.” _

_ Felix looks up tentatively. “But if you do… we’ll still be friends… right?” _

_ Dimitri watches the anxious, smaller boy. “We’ll always be friends. In fact, I think you should stay with me forever.” He places his arm gently around Felix. _

_ “Really?” _

_ “Yes, because you’re my best friend in the whole world. No, like more than that. Way more than that.” _

_ “Like how?” Felix asked. _

_ “Like you know how your Mom and Dad made a promise to stay together forever? That’s what I want. I never wanna be apart from you.” Dimitri explained. _

_ “But that’s,” Felix began, “that’s like marriage!” _

_ “Yea! I wanna get married with you. Felix, will you marry me?” _

_ Felix’s small face clouded over with indecision for a moment, and then a large smile broke out. “Yeah, I wanna get married with you!” _

Felix scoffed, thinking about the memory. They must have been 6 or 7 at the time. They were so young, but they had already decided to be together. Thinking back, perhaps that’s why Dimitri’s father tore them apart. Felix had to admit, he still held that promise close to his heart. He had searched for Dimitri ever since he realized he wasn’t going to hear from him and he’d held out the hope that he might one day find him. His romantic life was, to say the least, strained, as he never allowed people truly inside his emotions or mind. But Dimitri…Dimitri was something else. A blonde boy from his childhood who was literally  _ stolen _ from him. Felix swallowed hard, simply thinking about it. And Dimitri wouldn’t try to do anything about the situation? Did he forget his promise? Did it not matter now that they were adults?

But to be honest, this Dimitri seemed different from the Dimitri he knew. The Dimitri he grew up with was a ray of sunshine to him. The man in the room was much darker; he seemed troubled, exhausted, mentally torn up. He had eye bags! Felix didn’t know who Dimitri was anymore. Not that he hated him, he was just...different. What had happened to him, to cause all this change? Was Dimitri ok? Did he sleep at night? Did he eat his meals?... Did he have a lover?

Oh, and that made Felix so disgusted. Why should it? He was not entitled to Dimitri, as Dimitri was not entitled to him. They owed each other nothing, even if they did make a silly promise to each other as young children. But still, to see Dimitri now and think he might have some person sleeping with him or loving him did things to Felix’s heart. It wasn’t like…it wasn’t like Dimitri was just going to wait for him all these years and then Felix was going to waltz into his arms and then everything would be great. That was absurd! Dimitri was never going to talk to him again after they were discharged from the hospital. He made that abundantly clear.

“If you really don’t want to see me,” Felix spoke up, voice full of spite, “I’ll tell the hospital staff to switch the rooms.”

“Felix,” Dimitri began slowly, “Forgive me. I don’t want to cause you distress.”

Felix sighed. Okay, things were going to get ugly. “Alright, let me go get the nurse – ”

Dimitri’s voice rose abruptly. “No! I mean…no, I don’t want to change rooms, Felix. This is alright with me if it is alright with you.”

What?

“Um…so you don’t care?” Felix asked, his voice lowering substantially.

“I…it may be hard to believe but…It was hard for me to be separated from you too. I did want to meet you again. I did want to… see you again one day.”

“But you’re still not going to ever talk to me again once we get out of this hospital?” Felix asked, eyes narrowed.

“Well…” And there was no response after that.

The room drifted into quiet and Felix couldn’t figure out Dimitri for the life of him. There were so many things he wanted to say to him, to ask, to tell. All the years in their lives they missed.  _ Where did you go to college? What was high school like? How do you spend your time? _ In short, Felix wanted to know everything about Dimitri’s life, down to how he ate his breakfast and what time he went to bed. He was so morbidly curious but so incredibly angry at Dimitri. How could Dimitri refuse him? Friends he’d made in college – they were good, they stood by him – but it wasn’t the same. He just wanted to know Dimitri again. Felix felt himself get emotional and cursed to himself. Maybe he should leave the room? The last thing he would want is Dimitri to see him vulnerable.

“Hey Felix,” Dimitri called.

“Yea?” He tried to make his tone biting.

“Tell me about your life.”

The audacity! Dimitri explicitly made it clear that they were never going to speak again, and now he had the impudence to assume Felix was going to tell him personal details about his life. “Why?”

“You said you didn’t inherit your father’s business,” Dimitri murmured. “What do you do?”

_ Should I actually tell him?  _ Felix contemplated the thought for a couple of minutes, especially fuelled by the idea of spite, and then spoke up. “I’m a physical therapist.”

“What’s your home like?”

Felix paused again. “It’s quiet. I have a cat.”

“Do you live alone?” Dimitri continued.

“Yeah. I prefer it that way.”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

_ What the fuck? Why is he asking me that? _ “Um, no,” he said.

Felix looked at Dimitri, who appeared to be in deep thought. Why did he care if Felix had a boyfriend or not? He was never going to talk to him again. Why was he even asking Felix all these dumb questions? Something about Dimitri seemed viscerally sad. Felix didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t enjoy seeing Dimitri unhappy. Before he knew it though, he was simply watching Dimitri, and he drifted off to sleep.

_______________

Felix awoke the next morning to the news that he was going to be discharged by noon. Apparently, he could finish his course of antibiotics by mouth, so he didn’t need to stay in the hospital any more. He glanced over at Dimitri. Over so soon, huh? He was truly never going to seem again. Distraught, he watched how the blonde peacefully slept and thought about how he had been ripped from his life and was going to be ripped from his life again. Felix spent the next few hours trying to brainstorm if there was a way he could keep in contact with Dimitri without the man’s knowledge, but came up with no solutions. He paced all the way around the same floor of the hospital over and over again until a nurse asked if he needed help. Nothing about this seemed fair, and Felix didn’t like it. What was Dimitri hiding?

When Dimitri finally awoke, like sleeping beauty, Felix told him of the news. Dimitri smiled sadly. 

“I’d punch you if you weren’t already all beat up,” Felix told him.

“Why thank you,” Dimitri said.

“You’re such an asshole and I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me,” Felix went on.

“Thank you, Felix. I appreciate it.”

“Fucking bastard.”

Felix turned on the small hospital TV to the channel with the kids’ program that Dimitri was watching the first night he saw him was on. He let it play. He remembered watching this show with Dimitri when they were kids. They would act out the scenes together. Fucking shit.  _ This sucks _ .

By the time noon rolled around, he met with his nurse who gave him his discharge papers. It was time to leave. Felix glanced back at Dimitri, who was still watching cartoons, with a nauseous feeling in his stomach.

“Am I really never going to see you again?” Felix asked, feeling like the little boy he once was.

Dimitri placed a gentle hand to his face and smiled. It was the only time they had actually touched besides Felix yelling at him. He didn’t say anything. 

Felix could feel himself start to tear up and wanted more than anything to not cry in front of this man. “You’re such a fucking… you’re such a fucking bastard.”

“Goodbye, Felix.”

And Felix left.

_______________

Felix drove home – apparently, his car had been parked safely in the hospital garage. He had no idea what to expect of the state of his home, but he was ready to return to life. Felix knew that one of his friends had been feeding Aegis while he was hospitalized so he wasn’t as worried about her state. He had arranged things with his work in the couple of days since he had been gone and he had a doctor’s note so everything should be fine. Pressing the key in the lock, he opened the door to his apartment he didn’t realize he had missed so much. The lingering regret of Dimitri stayed in his head, though, and he recalled Dimitri’s hand on his cheek.

Inside, his apartment looked relatively clean and there was a note on the kitchen counter.

_ We fed your cat and cleaned up all the trash. Try not to die next time or maybe call someone if you need help! _

_ \- Ingrid and Sylvain _

Felix felt relief and gratitude that his friends had been there for him, but he also needed time to process what had happened with Dimitri at the hospital. Aegis darted up to him in a matter of seconds and began circling his leg and meowing loudly. Felix smiled lightly and gave her plenty of attention. He showered and changed into fresh clothes and then realized he had absolutely no idea what to do with himself.  _ Dimitri is out there, and I can’t talk to him. _

[Group chat]: I’m out of the hospital

Felix locked his phone and turned the TV on. Maybe boring, soulless entertainment would clear his mind. It was difficult to process the entire past couple of days, and he knew his friends would want to know what happened. It was unbelievable to still think that  _ the Dimitri  _ from his childhood was right there, across the city in the hospital, and he couldn’t contact him. Felix recalled how Sylvain and the others had gotten him to tell the story of Dimitri, and he was never able to explain why he couldn’t let him go. Why couldn’t he? He could never explain something like that. There was just  _ something  _ about the man, the boy, that filled up Felix’s entire being and replenished him. Dimitri was irreplaceable. He had never wanted another best friend. Thinking back to how Dimitri pretty much proposed to him, that was off the table too. The boy had made such a deep impression on his young soul and he desperately wanted to talk to him again. It frustrated him to no end that Dimitri was the one not fulfilling his promise – especially when he was the one that made it! Who cared about Dimitri’s father and companies and stupid things like that? Felix always knew their families were wealthy – but wealth and status were of little consequence. What mattered to Felix was Dimitri alone.

Felix flicked the TV off. This wasn’t helping, and he was still recovering from pneumonia after all. He’d go out to shop for groceries tomorrow since his fridge seemed in poor shape, but for now, perhaps sleep was the only answer.

_____________

The grocery store was one of those high end, healthy foods setups. Felix wasn’t all about it but he did enjoy eating clean, fresh food that was good for him. All the pizzazz he could do without. He simply wanted some basic necessities and fresh vegetables. It wasn’t as if he was a great cook. Felix emphasized fitness – it was part of his job – and part of fitness was eating well. As he perused through the long aisles and contemplated what to fill his basket with, he wondered offhandedly if he should get his mail – he hadn’t gotten it in about a week. It most likely would have piled up a great deal now. At the thought, Felix groaned. He already had to clean up some areas of his apartment. Getting sick was a  _ hassle.  _ As he contemplated the horrors of taking care of himself, he bumped into a rather tall stranger on crutches. Felix pulled back immediately.

“Watch where –“ he began to sputter, as he looked said stranger in the eye and noticed they were incredibly familiar. Blonde hair, broad shoulders, and those haunted eyes which Felix was still perplexed by. He had bumped into Dimitri. Well, well, well. Felix wasn’t sure if he should react in anger or surprise, but some sort of happy butterflies fluttered in his stomach.

“Dimitri,” he said slowly, watching the man. The blonde was dressed in rather casual attire; he looked good.

“Felix,” Dimitri responded. “I didn’t expect to see you here,”

Felix laughed bitterly. “I guess you’ll have to avoid this store from now on,”

Dimitri smiled, and it was the sort of lopsided, silly smile that made Felix’s innards twist. “You know it’s not like that.”

Felix frowned.  _ It’s not like what?  _ He crossed his arms and stood straighter. Glancing down at Dimitri’s leg and how he clung to his crutches, he noticed how it was still all wrapped up. “Not that it’s any of my business, and it sure as hell  _ isn’t,  _ but you’re gonna need a physical therapist or you’re never going to walk normally again.”

“Advice from a professional, huh?” Dimitri couldn’t help but seem happy.

“Just – even if you’re a stupid asshole….and you are! Take care of yourself.”

“Thank you, Felix,” Dimitri told him, and it seemed heartfelt. The blond placed a hand on his shoulder and waved. “See you later.”

“Yea, yea.”

It was only until Dimitri walked away that Felix realized what he had said. See you later? Dimitri had explicitly said that he was never going to see him again. What on earth did this mean? Dimitri didn’t even have his phone number or know his address. How was he going to contact him? Ugh, Felix hated this. He shook his head as he went to the self-checkout and rang himself up. What a bastard.

_______________

Felix went back to work the following day and had a full schedule of appointments. His assistant gave him the new schedule for the next week, including new and old patients. Many of his old patients returned, to his own surprise. Despite him not being the best with words, he was surprisingly adept with his hands and had a high online review. It wasn’t unusual for him to get an influx of new patients. Felix sat down and viewed them absentmindedly until his eyes landed on one specific name.

_ Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, Thursday, 10am _

“ _ You should really see a physical therapist.” _

Oh, fuck.


	2. On thin ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dimitri and Felix try things out

The sunlight reached into the edges of the sky to signal the beginnings of a new day. Slowly, Felix rolled over and turned off his alarm before it had a chance to go off. He was already an early riser but today was making him especially anxious. No matter, Felix had his job and his life established and nobody could threaten that. Even if he was a tad bit curious to see what happened today. Even if he kept trying to run what-if simulations through his head, he grew frustrated. The echoes of his childhood did sometimes call out for him, – wave and say hello – but Felix was going to shut the doors. 

He needed a shower. Perhaps the calming spray of water would cool his head. Felix bumbled to the kitchen and began to set out Aegis’ food. It was a habit. Within seconds, meowing resounded in the room and the pitter-patter of little footsteps approached. Felix watched fondly as the small black creature lurched towards her food bowl. His apartment was minimalist, and Felix didn’t quite care for interior design. Often, his friends tried to gift him or get him to buy more decorative items. Honestly, his cat was all he needed. She provided the small amount of comfort and friendship he let inside. Felix had spent his life building up walls and nobody was adept at prying them down. He couldn’t fault them. He didn’t know what he needed himself. It was just….hard…to let people in. It wasn’t a place he was sure he wanted anyone.

The shower wasn’t much help for his nerves. The droplets fell down on him and he closed his eyes, allowing himself to be swallowed by the great rush of water. For a moment he had peace but the lurking variable of later today was always there. He dressed and, while combing his hair, found himself watching his reflection. How different was he now from when he was a boy? 

There was still a great deal of time before he could leave for work, and Felix prepared something to eat without much thought. He always tried to eat healthy to keep up his physique but hated eating breakfast. Just coffee was fine for him. Felix found he enjoyed coffee and splurged on it. Aegis circled around the kitchen as he brooded in the corner holding his mug.

Today was the day, after all, when Dimitri had his appointment. Felix was distraught. He had told Dimitri that he wanted to see him – but not like this! And how – how was this even going to work! They wouldn’t be able to talk about anything because Felix had to remain professional. What was Dimitri thinking? He should have just stayed away. Felix was partly furious, partly curious and anxious. After all, Dimitri would probably be disappointed in whatever Felix was. He had changed a lot since he was younger and if Dimitri was just going to waltz into his office and think nothing changed then he was in for a surprise. It was just so frustrating! Felix had  _ wanted  _ to see him all these years – why did he have to show up like this? Then again, Felix couldn’t think of any situation that would placate him.

In the office, Felix had an appointment before Dimitri. He had been working there since he graduated from college with somewhat mixed results. There were many older and more experienced people who disliked his attitude. Felix sometimes questioned why he went into this field…maybe only to piss his father off. However, he knew he was good at what he did, and no one could take that away from him. Many of his patients came back and liked him, sometimes giving him ornate gift baskets.

Felix didn’t know when Dimitri arrived because he was busy with a different patient. A nurse took Dimitri’s vitals and had him wait for Felix. Felix tried to physically restrain himself from lashing out before walking into the room. He went over scenarios with himself.  _ But you do want to see him. Ugh, shut up! _ He had to remain professional. He turned the corner and walked into the open space where all sorts of exercise machinery and rehabilitation equipment were laid out. Dimitri sat amidst it all looking very innocent. Felix inwardly groaned.

He forced a cough. “Mr. Blaiddyd?”

Dimitri’s face turned towards him and for once, the smile reached his eyes. His mouth seemed to be searching for words before he settled on, “Felix!”

Felix sighed. Why was Dimitri doing this if he explicitly said he could not come into contact with him? “Yes, Mr. Blaiddyd?”

“Felix, just call me Dimitri,” Dimitri’s eyes seemed so pleading and pure, like an excited puppy. Felix relented. That was going to be a pain. He led Dimitri somewhere where they could sit down comfortably.

“Alright, Dimitri. Let’s go over your injuries so I can accurately assess a plan of action,” Felix elaborated, trying to remain neutral.

“Ok. Well, I have a displaced fracture in my leg. I sprained my ankle too, but that’s healing...I think.”

Felix ran a hand through his hair. What happened to Dimitri? Oh right, he got hit by a car. That, at least, he could remember. “You need to be more careful when you cross the street.”

“Felix?”

“That’s purely a professional opinion. Now, we’ll get you started on some basic stretches for today.” Felix looked away, not meeting Dimitri’s earnest eyes.

They moved to an exercise mat that Dimitri could lay down on and Felix slowly bent his legs and stretched them to allow the muscles to heal. He could feel his ears getting hot and avoided eye contact with Dimitri, only saying he was doing well at random intervals. This was so awkward! This was worse than awkward! He was holding Dimitri’s legs! And they were oddly muscular! Felix had to  _ touch _ Dimitri as part of his job. He couldn’t think of anything worse or more awkward. Neither of them spoke for a while as Felix continued. Towards the end of the session, Felix moved to massage the muscles in Dimitri’s leg. He had to – it promoted healing. It was part of his job! It was totally professional. Felix glanced at Dimitri’s face and saw that his eyes were closed – he seemed to be enjoying it. Just then, his eyes fluttered open and they seemed to be….happy? Appreciative?

“Thanks, Felix,” he began. “That already helped relieve some of the pain in my leg...I knew I could trust you,” Dimitri muttered, before closing his eyes and relaxing on the pad again.

“W-wait?!” Felix sputtered. “You came to me for physical therapy because you know me? I thought you’re not allowed to talk to me!” Felix couldn’t hold it in any longer. The frustrations of the day had to boil out at some point.

Dimitri opened his eyes again and looked at Felix with warmth. “No, in truth, I did want to see you and what you said back at the hospital made me think about my actions. I couldn’t think of any other way to contact you.”

Felix narrowed his eyes. “So, you broke things off with your dad?”

“Not...exactly.”

“Then what’s the point?” Felix sighed.

“Felix, I…” Dimitri tried to reach out, struggling with his words. “I wish I were a better man. But I do regret all the time that was taken from us. Deeply.”

Felix looked away, confused by the disarray of feelings he had for Dimitri. On one hand, he was charming, handsome, apologetic. But he also wasn’t willing to go the extra mile. “Well, you’re kind of stuck with me in physical therapy for like the next 8 weeks or so.”

“Felix….”

“After that….maybe we can see what happens.”

________

Felix’s routine was rather simple. If he wasn’t at work, he was at home or at the gym. Sometimes he went to the nearby store to pick up groceries. Sylvain often teased him about his lack of social life, but Felix was pretty okay being by himself. And he always had Aegis for company. Felix didn’t see the need for too many friends or abundant social activities. He spent plenty of time at the gym, after all, and wasn’t that around people? It didn’t quite matter. He did care about the friends that he had, but he had limits. He needed his alone time and didn’t want to spend every waking second with another person. If there was something Felix valued, it was his personal space. It was the weekend after his second session with Dimitri though, and he couldn’t help wonder what Dimitri was up to. Where did Dimitri live? Was it far from where he lived? What did his apartment look like? What was he doing right now? They hadn’t talked much during their sessions, and truth to be told, Felix still felt quite awkward, but Dimitri seemed deeply appreciative and open. How could someone like that exist? How could someone like that stay so far away? It was as if Dimitri wanted to jump into his arms but something was holding him back. Dimitri was very much like the person he used to be, but tinted with a new hue of melancholy. Felix wondered what could have happened to him over the years, what sort of heartbreak plagued him. 

And yet, they obviously had no way to contact each other outside of their appointments. So Felix just had to wonder. He did like his personal space….he did. He just felt a little lonely thinking of Dimitri and what he could possibly be up to. Where he could be. Who he could be with. Jealousy coiled up in the pits of Felix’s stomach. Dimitri wasn’t  _ his.  _ He wasn’t remotely. It was just…..even if Felix didn't know what to say or the right thing to do he felt so  _ drawn  _ to Dimitri. Every time the blonde laughed or his closed eyelashes fluttered, Felix felt himself tingle with warmth. He still couldn’t deny it - the new, grown-up Dimitri was still incredibly alluring. Felix wanted to get to know him but he dealt with the constant reminder in the back of his head that Dimitri didn’t really want him around - he was going against his father’s orders - he was just here to get better - and after the therapy was done, Felix would never see him again. Dimitri was just a client now. He couldn’t get attached. He couldn’t sit in his apartment and mope, wondering if Dimitri had someone by his side. It didn’t even matter - it’s not like he  _ liked  _ Dimitri, Dimitri was just hot.

And no, he wasn’t going to tell any of his friends yet about this. They would get the wrong idea and tell him stupid things. He did cherish his friends. But this was just the wrong moment. 

Felix checked his phone. A few missed messages. Sylvain asked him if he wanted to go out somewhere. But Felix just wanted to stay inside for the weekend. The forecast predicted rain and he had a lot to think about. 

____________________

The weekend ended uneventfully and Felix went back to work. It almost felt as if he was looking forward to seeing Dimitri and that disgusted him. Felix didn’t want to get attached. Thursday did roll around, though, and Felix woke up with some sort of feeling of excitement and slight agitation. He had to carefully predict and analyze Dimitri’s every move. Felix expected that Dimitri viewed this activity very carelessly. Picking someone to help you medically simply because you knew them - how stupid! But Felix would be prepared. And this would be a battle he would win.

Felix didn’t wait for Dimitri to enter the office - he didn’t have to - he was in the back coming up with his battle strategy. The patient before Dimitri canceled and for some reason, Felix wasn’t even remotely upset. The nurse brought Dimitri back and Felix turned around and locked eyes with him.

“Dimitri.”

“Hi, Felix.” Dimitri was all smiles.

Felix felt himself falter for a second. This was still a bit awkward. “I’ve planned a rigorous session for today.”

“Well….good, I guess,” Dimitri smiled. His eyes crinkled softly.

Felix showed Dimitri over to the exercise mat where they usually began. They would start with stretches. Felix held Dimitri’s legs and moved them in different positions to allow his muscles to stretch and breathe. 

“Have you been doing the stretches I showed you at home?” Felix asked. 

“Yes,” Dimitri replied, in between breaths. “They helped a lot.”

“I can tell. Your muscles are much more relaxed.”

“Thank you,” Dimitri muttered, his eyes closed as Felix worked on his legs. Felix watched his face for a moment before responding, hated how beautiful he found him. 

“Well, it’s my job.”

Dimitri’s brow furrowed. Felix wondered if he was in pain. “I know,” Dimitri murmured.

“Anyways,” Felix began, feeling awkward again, “I have some heat pads to help with the pain that we’ll use today. I’ll incorporate them into the massage part too.”

“Oh, that sounds promising.” 

“They work really well. I can show you some that you can get from a pharmacy,” Felix said.

Felix placed the heat pads on the area he knew were most affected and strained. “How’s that?”

“It’s really nice,” Dimitri answered. “I was wondering if heat was helpful.”

“It’s a great tool for pain. Some injuries ice treatments instead, though,” Felix explained.

Dimitri seemed a little lost in thought. “I like to take hot baths. Is that helpful?”

What an incredibly personal detail about Dimitri’s life! Felix tried to remain as purely professional as possible. “Well, I would just be careful you don’t fall down and slip...since your leg is injured. But if it’s helping your pain, then that’s fine. Just don’t stay in for too long.”

What, did he say something weird? He looked up at Dimitri, who had broken out into a big smile. Why was he so fucking pretty?

“I appreciate it, Felix,” Dimitri said, still beaming.

Felix rolled his eyes and tried not to blush. This was embarrassing! He was only thinking of safety. Ugh. He told Dimitri to lay back down and pulled the heat pads off. It was time for the massage part of the session, which was usually the patient’s favorite part.

Felix began mid-thigh, even though the injury was lower - he saw no point in not being thorough. He worked his way slowly, all the way down Dimitri’s leg and back up. Felix’s fingers kneaded into and rubbed Dimitri’s skin, using his hands to alleviate tension in various muscles. He switched after a while to rub in circles and move up and down. Creating a better blood flow in Dimitri’s muscles was the goal after all. 

Felix prided himself on being good at his job after all - and this was an essential part. It might be weird, but massage was very therapeutic. Felix just tried not to look at his face - the way he laid back with his eyes closed and looked so much like he was enjoying it, with his gold hair pooling behind him like some sort of celestial being. He tried. But Dimitri was his client, after all, so there was nothing odd about massaging his leg, right? They honestly barely knew each other. This was strictly professional. 

Felix finished the massage and Dimitri opened his eyes and sat up. He seemed rather relaxed and sated. A smile graced his face. “I don’t know how you do it, Felix. Your fingers are magical.”

Felix rolled his eyes, but he felt a slight wave of embarrassment at getting praised. “If I did your back you would be in heaven,”  _ NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.  _

“Is that an offer?” Dimitri joked.

Felix clicked his tongue. “Unfortunately, I don’t give free back massages to my patients.” He watched Dimitri’s face go down a bit and cursed himself.

Their session was pretty much over and it was time for Dimitri to leave, but he stalled. “Maybe I don’t have to be just your patient. Maybe I could be your friend, too.”

_ Friends? _ Is that what Felix wanted? He wasn’t sure himself.

Dimitri grabbed Felix’s hand and stuffed a piece of paper into it. There’s no way he could have prepared that during their session. He must have had it ready before. Dimitri waved and dashed out.

Felix opened the paper and saw Dimitri’s name sprawled out with a smiley face and his phone number.

Fuck. 

_____________

  
  


The weekend arrived like it normally would, but Felix lamented. He laid on his couch holding the piece of paper Dimitri gave him. It was crinkled by now but the distinguishing handwriting was still sprawled across it. Felix ran his thumb across the strip. Should he? Would he? Normally, it would be unethical and out of the ordinary to associate with a patient outside of the office...but...Dimitri was a friend, right? Or at the least, that’s what he said he wanted to be. Felix was a little shocked that Dimitri  _ did  _ want to be - that he initiated the contact. back on Thursday, he had stood in the office for a solid moment absorbing what Dimitri had proposed. 

_ Friends, huh? _

Is that what Felix wanted? He thought of the blonde man, showing up in his life out of the blue. Whether Dimitri was oblivious or not, a part of Felix delighted in purely watching him. He saw him as nearly divinely beautiful, all flowing gold locks and intense cerulean eyes. It was hard to admit, even to himself, but adult Dimitri was formidable. Those rare smiles that they exchanged, and oh was that smile marvelous. It was alluring. But Felix didn’t know what he wanted. There was something so heartbroken and wistful lurking beneath those eyes.

Did Felix want something different? Did he expect something different? After all these years of being separated, when they had promised themselves to each other? Surely, Dimitri must have forgotten. He grew older, had new experiences, and tossed aside Felix’s memory. Even if they were reunited now, a middle school love isn’t exactly something you hold yourself to. 

Felix changed after Dimitri. Maybe that’s why the memory of the man was so special to him. Dimitri was one of the few people who saw the true version of him. It’s not like Dimitri knew, though, why he mattered so much to Felix. And it’s not like Felix was great at expressing himself. 

  
  


He wasn’t quite sure what he wanted, but Dimitri was offering his friendship. Maybe he should take the offer. 

Felix unlocked his phone and opened his texts, half wondering if this was the right number.

[Felix]: this is Felix

He promptly locked his phone, too scared of what he might or might not get in return. Aegis settled down on his stomach and he stroked her fur. What kind of mess did he just get himself into?

______________

Dimitri either texted back immediately or took five years to reply. There was no in-between. Felix wondered if Dimitri forgot he had a phone sometimes. The texts started with polite conversation of “How are you’s” from Dimitri’s end and stayed in neutral territory. Felix shrugged. The texting wasn’t the end of the world, he guessed. When Felix accidentally mentioned he had a cat, Dimitri demanded pictures.

______________

Dimitri was making progress in physical therapy. Felix was proud of his work and Dimitri’s devotion and tried to let himself forget the little things. He and Dimitri were doing yoga in one of the rooms of the larger building. Although Felix had been skeptical of learning yoga when he first began training, he soon realized how beneficial it was for the muscles and healing. Dimitri seemed to be particularly focused on the pose Felix was showing him. Felix watched the silhouette of Dimitri’s body and tried not to let it distract him. Aside from getting injured and clearly having to rest his body, it seemed like Dimitri really kept in shape. Felix admired the tenacity required to keep up a good physical form but also….the results weren’t too bad either.  _ Focus, Felix!  _ Felix allowed Dimitri to remain in the yoga position for a while longer and then told him they were changing poses. Dimitri seemed eager to learn more. It didn’t quite help that this puppy-dog demeanor was part of the appeal of Dimitri’s personality. 

Felix got into the pose himself before seeing that Dimitri was struggling with it. He sighed and got up to help redirect Dimitri’s body. 

“Here, your hips need to be higher, and your arms need to be like this,” Felix positioned Dimitri’s body properly but realized he was hyper-aware of touching him as he did so.  _ Oh, that’s weird.  _

“Thanks, Felix,” Dimitri answered, and the sweat and slight color in his face was  _ obviously  _ from having to keep up with all these positions. 

_ Why can’t these things just be normal? _

After the yoga session, they cleaned up and Felix told Dimitri what he needed to work on at home. There were a variety of stretches and techniques that he could do to help heal while on his own. They then went back to an exercise mat so Felix could massage Dimitri’s leg. 

“You did really well with the yoga. You should consider keeping up with it once your leg is healed,” Felix said.

“I don’t think I’d find such a good teacher,” Dimitri said, half serious, half teasing.

Felix turned a little pink. He had to admit, he didn’t mind being teased by Dimitri but this was embarrassing. Especially, since he didn’t know what Dimitri’s intentions were. He could think the world of the man but he probably didn’t matter that much to him. He was just here to provide relief - after all Dimitri said he chose him because he knew him. Felix found himself wanting a little more than that. Dimitri was just so….inviting.  _ He was so stupid.  _

Felix continued with the massage and huffed. Of course he wouldn’t find a better teacher. If Dimitri was going to compliment him, then he was going to take full advantage of it.. “You’re damn right, and you’re welcome,”

Dimitri’s head was relaxed back as he enjoyed Felix’s work. It seemed his words didn’t reach far enough. “No, you are definitely special.”

Was Dimitri trying to get a rise out of him? Part of him enjoyed the praise, though. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” Felix responded, twisting the words.

Dimitri frowned but enjoyed the remainder in silence. Felix finished up and allowed Dimitri to stand. He seemed a little frustrated, which was weird for him, since he was normally at least a little calmer. But he seemed like a ball of tension tonight. Dimitri waved goodbye, seeming like there was something else he wanted to say. Felix focused on that moment for the rest of the day. What was wrong with Dimitri? What had he wanted?

_______________

Felix didn’t mind wandering around the fancy grocery store near his house on a Thursday night like this. It was usually less busy, since it was after the dinner rush. The store was filled with a calm ambiance as people pushed carts to and fro getting their evening groceries. Felix wandered to the specialty section with wine, cheese, and beer and wondered if he should pick something up. He wasn’t really one to buy expensive specialty cheese but _why not_ sometimes; he was just in the mood. The store left little sample stations around and he took one and tasted it. Interesting….He wandered up to the cheese counter and looked at the huge assortment. Cheeses from all over Fodlan were sorted around him. He wasn’t sure what to get or where to start - he wasn’t even sure he liked cheese that much. Felix picked up a package that seemed particularly inviting and began to examine it intently, just as he heard a familiar voice.

“Felix?”

He would know that voice anywhere by now. Felix whipped his head around to meet a friendly face. Dimitri seemed to be by the cheese counter, too. Felix blinked widely and moved to brush his hair back. Why was Dimitri here? Did he look ok? 

“Uh, hi.” 

“Getting some cheese?” Dimitri asked, clearing his throat. Felix glanced down.  _ Clearly _ they were both getting cheese. 

Felix sighed and looked at his basket. “I was thinking about it, but I’m not sure what I want.”

Dimitri looked like he was thinking hard. “Do you have any idea what you like?”

Felix quickly realized that he had no knowledge of this type of thing and making it up would only make him look stupid. “No.”

Dimitri picked up a square object and handed it to him. “This is an aged Gautier cheddar. It’s not too intense if you’re looking to try something new.”

Felix looked at the object curiously and took hold of it. Huh, so Dimitri knew about this kind of stuff. “Thanks….I guess.”

“My pleasure,” Dimitri responded.

Felix stood there for a moment longer, feeling like there was something he needed to say to Dimitri, but not knowing what it was. This was the second time he ran into Dimitri here - did he live nearby? Felix looked inside his basket. He didn’t quite need anything else. It was time to leave, but it almost felt lonely leaving Dimitri here in the store. 

“What are you getting?” Felix sputtered.

“Well….sometimes it’s hard to pick,” Dimitri began. “There’s a small dairy farm in the Gloucester area that I love. They make great blue cheese and triple creams.”

Felix nodded, pretending to understand Dimitri’s apparent love for expensive cheese. In a way, it was sort of sweet to learn this about him. It was humanizing. 

“Well, I’m gonna go check out,” Felix told him, “I have to get home to feed Aegis.”

Dimitri smiled and said his goodbyes. “Seems nice to have somebody to come home to,” he said softly - so softly, Felix wasn’t sure he heard.

_________________

  
  


The physical therapy sessions continued and so did the texting with Dimitri. Felix found that he looked forward to seeing him more than he liked. Every little facet than he learned about Dimitri’s life just made him want to curl up and hold the man close - so nobody else could take him. Felix was paranoid that Dimitri had this wonderful life full of wonderful people outside of his reach. He was scared that he was just a replaceable and temporary part that would soon outlive its purpose. But the more he got to know Dimitri, the more he wanted to be more than temporary. It scared him - wanting to be anything like that. It scared him to be attached.

He and Dimitri had agreed to get coffee, which was more than anything they had agreed so far. They discovered that they lived relatively close together, more or less, and so settled on a small cafe with a nice ambiance both of them had been to before. Felix decided that it was all or nothing. After so many years of never hearing from his most important childhood friend, he decided that he was just going to go for it and suffer the consequences when Dimitri realized he didn’t need him anymore. In the back of his mind, the idea stuck that he was only a temporary fixation in Dimitri’s life. He would get rid of him when he didn’t need him anymore. Felix had spent nearly 10 years trying to find Dimitri again but he wasn’t exactly sure how mutual those feelings were. But it was hard to resist getting to know him again. Every little piece of information about his life only made Felix want more. Felix was terrified at the idea of losing Dimitri again but he’d face that when the time came. 

  
  


And so the day came for their “date.” Felix reminded himself relentlessly that it wasn’t a date, but a casual hang out between friends. He did, however, wake up early that day, feed Aegis, and head straight to the shower. Felix had picked out some of his favorite clothes to commemorate the first time they would officially hang out while telling himself that it meant nothing. Felix let the clear droplets of the shower wash over him - anything to erase his thoughts and anxiety. 

After that, he dressed carefully, blow-dried his hair, and tied it up. He must have checked his appearance in the mirror 1000 times, making slight adjustments to make sure he looked good. 

The cafe was a short walk from his apartment. It was a relatively nice day, but the weather couldn’t quell his nerves. As he got inside, indie music played from the speakers as he ordered a cappuccino. Felix took a seat at the far end of the establishment. The place felt open and full of light. 

  
  
  


He checked his phone and frowned.

[Dimitri]: running a little late be there soon 

What if Dimitri never showed up? Felix immediately grew irritated at the idea of waiting for Dimitri all day and him never showing up. What a waste of a day. He tried to calm his jumpy nerves by breathing and pulled out his phone again. Maybe he could play a game or something. 

After around 10 minutes he heard Dimitri’s voice and saw him ordering. He sighed in relief. Dimitri glanced his way and Felix waved. Dimitri made way for the table and sat down and once again, Felix had to quell his nerves.  _ This is not a date.  _

“What did you order?” Felix asked.

“A tea latte. This place has great tea blends.” 

“Oh, I never knew. I’m always ordering coffee,” Felix explained.

Dimitri smiled. The gesture seemed to reach his eyes.. “So did you drive? You live quite close by, right?”

“Yea, I just walked. I come here on weekends a lot.”

“I’ve only been here once or twice. I should try coming more often,” Dimitri agreed.

Felix watched Dimitri’s excited face as he told Felix about his day and a story  _ or something.  _ He was right there but he felt very out of reach. After all, it was Dimitri who chose not to contact him all those years they were separated. Now they were getting coffee and on equal footing - apparently - but Dimitri still seemed….far off….out of reach. Felix didn’t know what Dimitri did about his dad not wanting them to talk, and it made him frustrated. In the end, he couldn’t bring back the past. 

“Something wrong?” Dimitri asked.

Felix frowned. He shouldn’t ruin the day with his bad attitude. “No, I’m just going to go order another drink.”

Felix went to the counter and ordered When he returned, Dimitri seemed like a happy puppy. Dimitri was dressed in a business casual look with a jacket, t-shirt, and jeans. Felix watched the sweep of his eyelashes as he read his phone, how it cast a slight shadow on his cheek. Felix tried to direct his thoughts elsewhere.  _ This is not a date.  _ Dimitri asked a mundane question about cooking and Felix went off into a long explanation. They had been trading tips ever since bumping into each other at the grocery store the second time. 

Hours trickled away and they both seemed to be enjoying themselves. The sun lowered in the sky and painted it blushing colors. Felix didn’t realize how engaged they were in talking until Dimitri reached for his phone out of the blue and checked it. That was weird, right? They were having a good time. Did Felix do something wrong?

“Sorry, Felix, it seems like there’s a problem at my apartment so I have to go check it out.”

Felix panicked, clenching his fists and glancing at the exit. Did he do something wrong? Clearly, it was just some problem Dimitri had. “I could go with you?” Felix suggested while yelling at himself in the process.

Curiosity flickered in Dimitri’s eyes. “Sure.” Dimitri smiled, wide and brilliant. Felix exhaled. 

They left the cafe and circled around to Dimitri’s car which was  _ very nice.  _ Felix felt a bit awkward getting in the passenger seat but if it was weird, Dimitri didn’t notice. The blonde started the car up and drove - not too far away, but to a  _ much _ nicer part of town. Dimitri parked his car in a hurry, without regard to how well the job was done. Felix looked at the high rise buildings surrounding them. He couldn’t imagine how expensive they were. 

Dimitri used his key card to enter the gate and they ascended the elevator. It was a bit quiet between them, and Felix tried not to feel out of place. He had agreed to go with Dimitri, but he didn’t actually know what he was in for. 

When they walked up to Dimitri’s apartment - or what should have been Dimitri’s apartment - there was definitely something wrong. The door was open and there was an eviction notice on it. Felix was confused - didn’t Dimitri have quite a bit of money? They glanced around as things were being placed into boxes. Usually for an eviction they had to give some warning before entering someone’s home. What was going on?

It seemed like Dimitri had some idea, despite his initial shock. He angrily dialed up someone on his phone. Felix remained in place, entirely bewildered. Dimitri wandered off, yelling into the phone, and Felix had to wonder if he made the right choice coming here. 

Finally, Dimitri came back. “I’m sorry I brought you here with me.”

“Dimitri, what is going on?” Felix demanded.

“Well, my father owns this complex. He’s kicking me out.”

Felix stared at Dimitri for a moment. Kicking him out? Then recognition set in. “Is this…. Is this because you fucking talked to me?”

Dimitri paused. “...Partially.”

“Why?! You could have just ignored me? You could have just pretended I don’t exist! Why did you talk to me if he would do this to you?” Felix nearly shouted.

He sighed deeply. “I guess I’m tired of living by his rules. But you were right. After seeing you in the hospital, I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer.”

Felix huffed. “But now you’re practically homeless!”

“I’ll go to a nearby hotel...or something…” Dimitri muttered.

They stood in silence for a minute, the room swirling with tension. Felix paced around the area while Dimitri seemed to be silent and unmoving. Packers began to tear down the various rooms while Felix pulled on his hair and scrunched his eyes in frustration. Dimitri seemed to have a minimal reaction, if at all, watching Felix and saying nothing. “No!” Felix practically shouted. “This is my fault. I caused this. You’re coming to my place.”

“But I don’t want to impose….”

“You don’t fucking get a choice, your highness,” Felix seethed. “You’re not going to some random hotel by yourself.”

“Uh, thanks?”

Felix folded his arms and looked away, clearly embarrassed and overwhelmed. “Go pack everything you need.”

Dimitri hesitated. Then to his shock, Dimitri wrapped his arms around him. “Thank you,” he whispered before Felix could react. It was so tender that Felix couldn’t help half leaning into it.

Then, Dimitri pulled away and went off to grab his stuff. 


	3. Baby, keep your hands on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The roommate situation is a little weird. Alcohol doesn't help

Felix was not very good with roommates, but to his surprise, Dimitri was very easy to live with. He always cleaned up after himself, he often made food, and Aegis actually liked him. Almost the picture of the perfect roommate, except Felix could feel his increasing desire for Dimitri blossoming more every day. Dimitri was kind and patient. He was able to deal with Felix even when he was irritable and foul-mouthed - somehow, someway. It astounded Felix, to be honest. 

So that was the thing. They worked too well living together. It kind of freaked Felix out. They felt like newlyweds. Dimitri would run to the store to pick up something Felix needed or volunteer to do something that Felix really needed to be done. Often, they would simply spend time together and Dimitri made for great company, never demanding too much from him. Adding Felix’s desire for him to the mixture, it didn’t quite help. He would find himself staring at Dimitri when the other man wouldn’t notice - especially when they were sleeping. Because that was the thing - they were sharing a bed, platonically.

And it was all stupid Felix’s idea. 

Dimitri had come into Felix’s apartment with no expectations. He volunteered to sleep on the couch or get an air mattress. Felix told him that there was no reason they couldn’t share the bed - he didn’t think about how it might become permanent... He only thought about when they were kids and they had sleepovers all the time. Now they were adults. Maybe things changed a little. The idea even surprised Felix quite a bit, but he found the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop himself. If he was going to take on a responsibility, he wasn’t going to half-ass it. And yes, Dimitri was very good at keeping things platonic and staying on his side of the bed, even if he did steal all the blankets from time to time. But honestly, all of it drove Felix insane. Maybe it was because of how well they worked together. But probably it was because Dimitri was right there, right next to him. Felix was an early riser and he would lay in bed and watch the angelic sleeping face and form of the other man for no other reason than to look at him. It freaked him out that he had to hide all of this yearning. After all, he promised a place for Dimitri to stay. Stupid Dimitri! It was all his fault, making him have feelings, and being attractive when Felix was just trying to help him out!. And Felix wanted him  _ so badly.  _ It was almost like every day it got worse. Every second they got closer and they knew more of each other, Felix just wanted him more. He could vividly imagine all the ways he wanted Dimitri to take him, all the things he wanted to do to the man. But no - that would ruin everything, right? And Dimitri probably didn’t want anything like that from him. He couldn’t even masturbate in peace. 

Felix decided that maybe a shower would help. He let the water rain down on him for what seemed like forever before touching himself. He knew it was a bad idea, but when he reached for himself, he could only see Dimitri, the object of his desire and affection. He wanted to slowly undress him, and see how big his cock was. It already looked so good from underneath his clothes. And he wanted to be filled by him, for Dimitri to fuck him with no restraint and as roughly as he could. Felix imagined Dimitri inside him as he fingered himself and stroked his own dick, but his fingers weren’t as thick as he wanted them to be. He wanted to taste Dimitri too. He wanted to be marked by him. He wanted him so damn bad. Felix came in short spurts and relaxed under the water, making sure to clean up afterward. 

Felix padded into the kitchen after getting dressed. There was a nice aroma coming from the room. Dimitri stood by the stove and plated some food. He had prepared omelets with goat cheese. They had come into the habit of making food for each other and Felix took his share. 

“Your hair’s down,” Dimitri commented.

“Oh….yea I forgot to put it up.”

“No, I like it,” Dimitri seemed thoughtful.

Felix frowned, somewhat annoyed yet happy at the comment.  _ He likes my hair???  _ “Food smells good,” Felix tried.

“Thanks,” Dimitri gave a toothy smile and began to eat. 

Felix got up to get some juice from the fridge. “Where did you put it again?”

Dimitri got up as well and stood behind him, much taller, nearly resting his head on Felix’s shoulder. He raised his arm above Felix’s and showed him where the juice was hidden. Felix’s slight blush was impossible to not notice. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure.” Dimitri returned to the table.

After they ate, Felix washed the dishes while Dimitri watched him. “I have a surprise for you,” Felix told him, trying not to sound romantic.

The blonde’s eyes grew excited and Felix took out a hidden package. “I know I only have coffee, so I got a few different herbal tea blends for you.” Felix handed the package to Dimitri, who seemed utterly delighted. He took turns smelling each blend and setting them down, before enveloping Felix in a deep hug. As the hug began to last more than a moment, Felix was compelled to stiffly return it. Dimitri was so warm, so tall, his arms were so strong, and he smelled like lavender. The hug felt too good. Eventually, Felix broke it off, feeling awkward, even as he lamented the loss of Dimitri’s warmth. 

The taller man seemed excited about the tea though. He went back to the kitchen to start the kettle. 

At night, they settled into bed with a somewhat clearly defined section between the two of them. Dimitri was always very respectful of the boundaries. Felix faced the wall, hoping for sleep to claim him. The darkness of the room provided some sanctuary for privacy.

“Felix?” Dimitri called out quietly.

Felix waited, tried to pretend he was asleep, then decided it was stupid to lie. “Yea?”

“Did you ever, as kids, think we would end up like this?”

“No...obviously not. I thought things would be much different….” Felix told him. 

Dimitri seemed to sense what Felix was thinking. “I know….but….”

“Everything changed that day. My world changed,” Felix’s voice was barely more than a whisper.

“Mine too,” Dimitri added.

Felix seemed more curious now as he rolled over as if he could see Dimitri’s face. “What changed, then? What happened to you?”

“It was a lot. It was so many things. Most of them...well, it’s not a nice story.”

After a moment, Felix put his hand over Dimitri’s. In the dark, Dimitri smiled.

“Thank you, Felix.”

_________________

Dimitri and Felix’s physical therapy sessions did continue, at Felix’s insistence. Even if they were living together, Felix insisted that Dimitri come in once a week to use the state of the art equipment. Their sessions became much less awkward and much more something that Felix could look forward to. Spending time with Dimitri was enjoyable and relaxing. He liked being around Dimitri and cared about him deeply. It was hard to forget all the years in their childhood they spent together. After Felix finished massaging Dimitri and closed up the session, he said his goodbyes. “See you at home?” he asked.

“See you at home.” Dimitri smiled, and he was radiant.

Dimitri’s living situation had not actually been talked about. Dimitri also did not discuss if he was going back to his father’s business or staying with Felix. Dimitri likely had enough money to get his own apartment as well, but he never mentioned it. At times, this kept Felix on edge, as he had come to feel very protective around Dimitri and truly did want him to stay. Felix felt that Dimitri was likely tied between his obligation and freedom. It was confusing, at best. He wondered what went on in Dimitri’s head. What kept him from leaving his father? What kept him from leaving Felix? 

_________________

Felix knew that Dimitri had stopped needing to use his pain meds, so he wanted to get some liquor for the occasion. He stopped at a nearby liquor store and grabbed a bottle. Apparently, though, there was a sale, so a few extra bottles wouldn’t hurt, right? Felix wasn’t sure what Dimitri liked to drink aside from wine, so he grabbed some rum. They would celebrate Friday night when both of them were done with any responsibilities. Felix still had to go in on Friday, so getting drunk tonight wasn’t really the best idea. 

Back at the apartment, Dimitri was snuggled up with Aegis and watching a dumb reality tv program. The sight was endearing. Aegis was a stray cat who rarely got along with anyone else. The fact that she took to Dimitri so well meant a lot to him. He sat down on the couch and barely noticed when Dimitri placed his arm around his shoulders. “She likes you so much,” Felix commented, trying to tune in to whatever Dimitri was watching.

“Not as much as she likes you. She always sleeps on your side of the bed.” 

_ Your side of the bed. _

“Well, I rescued her when she was a kitten,” Felix explained. “It’s only natural she prefers my company and is loyal. Still, though, I never thought she would like anyone else. I’ve had friends over and she hides under the bed.”

Dimitri scratched under Aegis’s chin and made kissy noises at her. “Maybe they just don’t know how to treat her,”

Felix smiled and relaxed into Dimitri’s touch, like it was natural. “So what are we watching?”

_________________

Friday night came around and Felix had procured simple items to mix drinks along with a bowl of ice. He wasn’t trying to get too fancy. He just wanted to make sure there were options. Dimitri wandered into the kitchen and made a curious face. 

“I thought you might want a drink since you’re off all your meds,” Felix shrugged like he had made absolutely no effort in planning this. 

Dimitri chuckled. “Looks like a bit more than a drink.”

“Well,” Felix started, “I just didn’t know what you like.”

Dimitri picked the rum up and began to mix a mojito. “Want one?”

“Sure,” Felix responded. “I’m gonna put something on the TV.” 

Dimitri carried some drinks over to the coffee table and set them down. Felix flicked through the channels but couldn’t find anything. He settled on the trashy reality tv program they had watched together the other day. Felix picked up his drink and tasted it. “Hey, this is good! Where’d you learn to mix drinks like this?”

Dimitri gestured vaguely. “Went to a fancy upper-crust university. Everyone there just had me do it.”

“Huh,” Felix glanced at Dimitri in between a sip. “Would never have guessed.”

In between drinks and over the tv, they talked about school. “What about you? What was college like?” Dimitri asked.

Felix took a long sip. “It wasn’t the fanciest school, but it had a good reputation. I met a few really good friends who helped me….a lot.”

“Sounds like they’re important.”

“Yea,” Felix admitted. 

“Do you…” Felix paused. “Do you have anyone important to you?” 

Dimitri swallowed more of his drink. “You. You’re important to me.”

Felix flushed. How could Dimitri just openly admit something like that? Was he expected to respond? “How can you just say things like that?” Felix finally stuttered. 

Dimitri smiled, a sort of shy smile. Felix picked up another drink and began working on it. They turned their eyes to the shallow tv program and started making fun of it, laughing loudly and openly. More episodes played and minutes turned into hours while more drinks were consumed. After a while, both of them were completely hammered. Felix lay stretched out, partly in Dimitri’s lap, while Dimitri half held him. Felix began to snuggle into Dimitri’s neck and mumble nonsense words, a lost drunk mess of himself. Dimitri, also drunk and not quite sure how to help, began to pet Felix’s hair.

Felix centered himself in Dimitri’s lap and whined incoherently. Dimitri wasn’t quite sure what he wanted until Felix began tugging on his pants. 

“Want to taste you,” Felix whined while lowering himself to Dimitri’s crotch. The sound went to Dimitri’s head and he knew he only wanted more.

  
  


Yes, yes, Dimitri wanted this. He leaned back against the couch, breathing steadily and all too aware of what was happening, mind racing at what Felix was about to do, hips nearly lurching foward in anticipation. Dimitri watched as Felix slowly unbuckled his pants, sort of struggling to do so, and lifted his hips to help Felix pull them down. Fueled by adrenaline and his drunk stupor, he licked through Dimitri’s underwear and Dimitri groaned, throwing his head back. It was all a wonderful blur. Was this a dream? Was this really happening? This was everything he ever wanted. He felt himself get hard quickly, despite all the alcohol in his system, as Felix pulled his underwear down and gave him a slow stroke. He moaned softly. 

“Felix….” Dimitri called out.

Felix finally had Dimitri in front of him, but he was so large he wasn’t quite sure how he was going to fit him inside his mouth in his drunken haze. He licked the tip and fit his lips over it, slowly bobbing his head over the massive length, earning eager sounds and breaths from Dimitri. As he increased the amount he took in, he used his hands to cover what his mouth couldn’t, stroking with fervor. His senses were overpowered by the musky scent and taste of Dimitri. Dimitri groaned loudly, throwing his head back and saying Felix’s name over and over again. Only in his deepest fantasies did he envision Felix on his knees doing something like this for him. Pleasure swirled in the pit of his stomach as Felix bobbed his head over and over again. Dimitri dug his hands into Felix’s long tresses and pulled, encouraging him to suck harder and faster. Neither of them was fully aware, but Dimitri only wanted more. He wanted Felix underneath him, writhing in pleasure, calling out his name. He wanted Felix to be full of him. He wanted to be inside of Felix.

Felix continued to sloppily suck and stroke Dimitri’s massive length. “Hey,” Dimitri called out.

Dimly they both knew it was a mistake, but neither wanted to stop. Felix stopped sucking Dimitri for a moment and glanced up. 

Dimitri was fully flushed and his breath was hitching but he simply asked, “where’s your lube?” 

He didn’t have to speak his intentions; Felix already knew. Slowly, he pulled himself away from Dimitri, pulling him towards the bedroom. Dimitri shuddered at the loss of contact but followed him and closed the door.

  
  


Felix tossed the lube to Dimitri and the need was evident in his eyes. Felix was already fidgeting quite a bit and pushing towards the bed like they couldn’t get there soon enough. Dimitri calmly placed the lube down on the bedside table and laughed to himself. But this Felix a sight to take in - so wanting and ready. Dimitri was eager to pounce. He moved in on Felix and they clumsily yet hastily undressed each other until he could wait no longer. He pinned Felix to the bed and layered him in kisses, licking and sucking wherever he could. Their lips met and Felix kissed back hard, grabbing him and leaning fully into the passion. It was like he had been waiting for that moment for a long time, which was ridiculous, because Dimitri was always there, right? But enough waiting. Dimitri was impatient. Felix was needy. He pulled Felix’s legs apart and grabbed the lube. 

Two lubed up fingers were pushed into Felix. He wasn’t that tight, surprisingly. Dimitri pushed the fingers deeper, curled them, then pushed in another. It was hard to think clearly but he knew at the back of his mind that he was big and Felix should be well prepared. So for a few minutes Dimitri drew out a variety of moans and gasps from Felix with his fingers. He drove his fingers into Felix in a hushed hurry as Felix replied with incoherent moans. Dimitri ached. “Put it in already,” Felix whined, nearly ordering him. 

Dimitri finally positioned himself at Felix’s entrance and pushed in. Felix moaned in delight. “You’re so big,” he cried out. Dimitri thrust all the way in and felt himself starting to lose to the pleasure and liquor. Felix was so warm and delicious.

Dimitri pulled out and thrust back in immediately as Felix wrapped his legs around his waist. He began to build to a quick and rough rhythm. Felix let himself moan loudly and freely as he called for Dimitri to go rougher, faster, and deeper. Dimitri fucked him as Felix asked into the bedspread.

  
  


It felt amazing - Dimitri felt amazing with Felix underneath him. He was so much better than Dimitri could have imagined and everything he could have asked for. These past few weeks and all the pent up desire he felt for Felix. All the ways he wanted to take him and fill him up. He couldn’t deny that he felt a certain sort of possessiveness over Felix, even if he didn’t deserve it. But just to know that Felix wanted him the same way in this moment gave him some energy. Felix felt so good and he was so beautiful. 

Felix turned them over, changing positions. He now rode on Dimitri’s dick and it was such an intoxicating sight to behold. Dimitri couldn’t pick a certain area to watch, from where his dick entered Felix, to Felix’s toned body and midsection, to his concentrated face and his lovely hair that flowed down. Felix was so beautiful. Dimitri concentrated on moving his hips in upward thrusts to fill Felix up and maximize his pleasure. He grasped Felix’s cock in one hand and began to stroke it. He wanted to please Felix so badly. The sounds Felix made as he rode him were everything, especially as he called out Dimitri’s name. Dimitri could feel himself getting close. He wanted to make sure Felix was in the same place and his hand quickened on Felix’s dick. Dimitri came first, inside Felix, staining him with his cum. Felix continued on for a few more moments before riding out his orgasm and crying out Dimitri’s name and coming all over his hand. 

After a moment, Felix slowly got off Dimitri and went to the bathroom. Everything seemed a little different after that. Dimitri hadn’t come that hard in awhile and he felt himself start to drift off to sleep. Felix returned from the bathroom shortly after, tossing Dimitri a towel. They would talk about it tomorrow. Everything would be ok. Felix was right next to him. Dimitri fell asleep with a smile on his face. 

_____________

  
  


The first thing Felix felt in the morning was his head pounding. The second thing he knew was that he had made a mistake. Although he was very drunk, vivid images in his head of having sex with Dimitri remained. He had crossed a line he shouldn’t have and was feeling shameful about it. To top it off, he must have ruined everything for Dimitri! He was supposed to be offering Dimitri a safe place to stay, not trying to sleep with him! Who knew if Dimitri had even wanted it? Felix knew better than to hook up with someone while that drunk. What had gotten into him? Part of him wanted to apologize to Dimitri but that felt too awkward, and he was always bad with words. Maybe they could just brush it under the rug and pretend it never happened? Felix couldn’t deny the pure physical pull he felt towards Dimitri and the memory of how good the sex had been, but Dimitri was off-limits. He was his roommate. The best thing to do would pretend it never happened. 

Felix went to feed Aegis and shower. He had a hangover to nurse.

Dimitri was strangely surprised that Felix did not bring up them sleeping together  _ at all  _ when he woke up the next day. The bed had been unoccupied when he woke up, but that wasn’t too alarming - Felix usually rose early and showered - especially since he came in him. What was weird was that Felix was acting as if the whole thing had not happened at all. Was he ashamed? Did he regret having sex with Dimitri? Dimitri felt sort of confused about the whole situation. Shouldn’t they address it? However, this was Felix’s apartment and he didn’t want to upset the other man, so he decided not to bring it up. Maybe it was only a one-time thing, a result of bad decisions and getting drunk together. Dimitri sighed.

He had truly enjoyed the night and the sex. He felt a certain desire for Felix that was difficult to explain, and he also simply liked Felix as a person. Was Felix truly so disgusted? It hurt to think about. 

Dimitri decided to cook dinner that night, feeling sort of lost. Felix had gone out on an errand and he was wondering when he’d be back. Dimitri carefully prepared the dish and the sauce and set it on the table. Just then, Felix walked in. 

“Hey,” Dimitri called out.

“Hey.”

“Want dinner?” Dimitri asked.

Felix’s face told the answer. He took his shoes off and made way for the kitchen, washing his hands and sitting down at the table. “This looks good,” he commented.

“I just put it together with what we had,” Dimitri responded.

Felix inhaled the scent of the homemade food and smiled. He took down his hair to redo it and Dimitri paused. “Why not keep it down?” Visions of Felix underneath him and above him flashed before his eyes, but more often than not, he was finding how much he liked Felix’s hair. Honestly, Felix’s smile was quite beautiful too. 

“Down?”

“Yeah,” Dimitri smiled and Felix seemed at ease. He kept his hair down while they ate and chatted about their day. Maybe things would go back to normal after all. Maybe last night was just a mistake. But to him, Felix could never be a mistake. He felt guilty for having lasting emotions while Felix seemed to be getting along fine. Dimitri wasn’t sure last night was something he wanted to just forget. It meant something to him, even if Felix didn’t acknowledge it.  _ Felix _ meant something to him, but he wasn’t sure what that was yet.

After dinner, they strayed to the couch to watch tv. Felix flipped through the channels and turned on a documentary. Dimitri wasn’t sure how close he should sit now that the boundaries were all messed up. He frowned. He liked sitting close to Felix, putting his arm around him, and enjoying his company. He liked to hear the soft sounds of his laughter and feel the gentle tickle of his hair. Could they not do that anymore now that they had crossed a line? But Felix still would not acknowledge it. Dimitri glanced at Felix’s face, watched his amber eyes and how focused they were on the program. He felt slightly heartbroken, missing that closeness that they shared just yesterday. They were getting to know each other again and Dimitri had even forsaken his father to do so. He was doing the right thing, right? To be with Felix? But he wasn’t really “with” Felix… They were just roommates who had sex once. Is this what Dimitri wanted? To be in a relationship? Would that make losing so much of his life worth it? 

Dimitri shook his head. Clearly, that’s not what Felix wanted. Felix didn’t want to talk about them having sex, so clearly he didn’t see him in that way. He likely didn’t want a relationship at all and was probably ashamed of what had happened. Dimitri closed his eyes and sighed. He deserved this. This was all he was ever going to get, anyways. He never had a chance. This was all he had. 

_______________

Felix dreamt of cerulean eyes and golden hair. Images of that one night played over in a recreated dream. Dimitri over him, in him, touching him. Dimitri was so handsome, so strong, so sexy. He wanted him. Felix called out for him and Dimitri responded. Why did he push him away? 

Felix blinked awake with a large breath. He glanced over to check if Dimitri was still asleep and realized he was hard. He tiptoed to the bathroom for a very cold shower. Why was he dreaming about Dimitri? He was supposed to be done with this. He was supposed to be focusing on supporting Dimitri and being a good roommate. What Dimitri needed wasn’t someone who’d fuck him. As much as Felix would love to leap into Dimitri’s arms, that wasn’t an option he could take. He was trying to be good for once, and he owed it to his childhood friend. Sex was off the table. And yet, that dream was so real, so vivid, almost like Dimitri would do anything if only he’d ask. Felix focused on cleaning himself and rinsed off. If only that were true.

He’d go on a run to clear his head, Felix decided. It was still relatively early in the morning, so he opted to go to a nearby park instead of the gym. Felix closed the door as quietly as he could on his way out.

Dimitri was used to waking up alone at this point. Felix rose very early, usually going to the gym. Before this he lived alone, so it wasn’t much of a difference. He chided himself for expecting anything else. Dimitri washed up, made sure Aegis was fed, and prepared breakfast for himself. Lately, he’d been doing a lot of freelance work since problems with his dad arose. He’d had to open a new bank account outside of his father’s control, but everything was going smoothly. Still though, sometimes he wondered if he should go back into his father’s employ. If things with Felix went sour, it would all be for nothing. Not that his father was exactly perfect or had had a good influence on his life….but what else did he have? 

He pushed those thoughts out of his mind when the door unlocked and opened and a very sweaty Felix walked in. Dimitri immediately took notice of how out of breath he was, the way sweat ran down his head and body, and the way his clothes stuck to him. Felix shook out his hair and whined how he needed another shower. Dimitri just watched, wordless. This was a sight to behold. Felix grabbed some cold water from the fridge and downed it quickly. Dimitri watched his sweaty neck and how much he’d like to bite him there. In fact, everything about Felix right now was incredibly enticing. He was like a snack ready to be eaten. His face was flushed from running and Dimitri couldn’t help staring.

But no. That had only been a one-time thing, right? Felix didn’t want it. Felix didn’t want him. There would be no second time. Felix retreated off to the shower and Dimitri realized he had gotten a little hard. He heard the click of the bathroom lock and the rush of the water. There was no better time than now. But….should he? 

Dimitri reached for his belt and undid it, along with his pants. He pulled his thick cock out and gave it a few slow strokes. He wanted Felix so badly. He could only think about Felix since that night. The way Felix’s lips hugged his cock. The way he pleasured him for no other reason than  _ he wanted to taste him.  _ Dimitri continued to stroke himself, harder this time. He thought of Felix, underneath him, calling out all sorts of moans, being filled with his dick. He thought of Felix, above him, working so hard for the pleasure. Being filled with his cum. He moaned Felix’s name quietly as he came, spilling all over his hand. 

  
  
  


Dimitri sat there for a moment, overcome with pleasure, and yet horrified by what he had done. There was no going back though. He couldn’t deny his feelings. He grabbed some tissues and wiped himself up, hoping that Felix didn’t hear him. 


	4. Do you really want me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix and Dimitri both want each other but don't realize it

A few weeks passed and Dimitri’s physical therapy sessions came to an end. Felix had him doing walking exercises and he finished perfectly. They ended on a good note. Felix smiled and he seemed genuinely happy. He reminded Dimitri to keep doing his stretches. Dimitri was glad to see Felix smile, but at the same time, a little sad that what brought them together was over. It was bittersweet. After all, they still lived together and saw each other every day. But it wasn’t quite…what Dimitri wanted for himself and Felix. He knew he shouldn’t, and he knew Felix didn’t want it - didn’t want him, but it was hard not to. Dimitri was becoming more attached than he realized. He adored Felix. He adored the way he was curt and snappy and always said what was on his mind. His small habits had become endearing, such as Felix’s penchant for waking up early and his love of coffee. Felix was a beautiful person; so driven, motivated, and devoted. Dimitri admired and respected him. He was glad they reconnected, even under strange circumstances. He began to feel an immense fondness for him. He began to worry about him and text him more often. Dimitri nearly regretted his feelings, though. Despite caring deeply about Felix, there was no way Felix felt the same way. Sometimes he thought there was definitely some sort of sexual tension between them - especially since they had slept together - but even if there was, Felix definitely did not want anything from him other than sex. Dimitri was nothing more than a body to him. It hurt but…that was reality. Maybe that was all he could get....

Dimitri unlocked the front door and opened it. Something smelled divine. He took his shoes off and wandered into the kitchen. Felix was in the kitchen whipping up something ornate.

“What….what is this all for?”

Felix turned around, some sort of sauce on the apron he was wearing. “I wanted to celebrate you finishing physical therapy.”

Dimitri was taken aback. “You did this...for me?”

“Yea, of course,” Felix said it matter of factly. “You did a good job. Come on, go get ready,”

Dimitri stood by the kitchen, nearly frozen, for a moment. Okay. That happened. He put his things down in their bedroom and went back to the kitchen. Well, he had an idea. He sat down at the table and waited for Felix to put all the dishes down. It seemed like Felix really went out of his way to make a lot of things. Dimitri felt a little embarrassed. The food was absolutely delicious and he couldn’t help but feel appreciative and affectionate towards Felix. 

“I really appreciate everything you did for me,” Dimitri started.

“Oh, uh…” Felix flushed, “don’t get all emotional.”

Dimitri paused. Was emotional bad? Was he not allowed to talk about his feelings? Were feelings bad to Felix? Maybe he could show him instead.

Dimitri rose and pulled out a record he’d been saving from under the coffee table. He set it down on the unused record player Dimitri brought with him when he moved in. An old cover of  _ La Vie En Rose  _ began to trickle out of the player. Felix gasped, and it was just enough momentum to keep Dimitri going. 

Dimitri walked up to Felix and extended his hand, asking him to dance. Felix took the hand and they centered in the living room, dancing a slow waltz to the song.

“I can’t believe you remembered this,” Felix told him.

“How could I forget? We used to listen to this song all the time. Just the two of us.” Dimitri relaxed his hand on Felix’s waist. 

“That feels like it was so long ago,” Felix sighed.

“It was. But nothing will separate us again.” Dimitri exclaimed.

Felix huffed, but he was unable to suppress a smile. “I wanted to do something for you, but you did something for me.”

Dimitri smiled. “Isn’t that funny?”

They moved closer to each other as the song cycled on repeat. Felix’s head settled on Dimitri’s chest in a sleepy movement while the music serenaded them.

“So much has changed,” Felix muttered. “I’ve changed.”

“Things don’t have to change,” Dimitri responded.

Felix looked up into Dimitri’s eyes, which were overcome by affection. It seemed impossible not to respond. Felix wrapped his arms around Dimitri’s shoulders and they both knew what was coming, meeting together for an all-consuming, passionate kiss. Dimitri kissed him like he was the last thing on Earth, like he was the only thing on Earth. Felix let him open up his mouth and slide his tongue inside. He needed him now. He needed his taste. Dimitri kissed down Felix’s neck, using his tongue and hungrily claiming what was already his. He sucked on sensitive spots and drew breathy sighs out of Felix. But would they continue? Would this keep going now that it had started? Dimitri continued to kiss and suck at Felix’s neck as if waiting for his approval. 

“Bedroom,” Felix gasped. 

Felix only had to say the word. Dimitri picked him and carried him like a paperweight to their bedroom, placing him down on the bed. Felix pulled his t-shirt off and Dimitri crawled on top of him, stripping his own shirt off. He continued where he left off, leaving open-mouthed kisses on the expanse of Felix’s neck and collarbone. Dimitri ran his hands up and down the toned planes of his abs and Felix sighed. Dimitri began to trail his kisses downwards and captured a nipple in his mouth, sucking hard at the pink nub. Felix’s reaction was perfect, all gasping and soft moans. Dimitri continued to suck but let his fingers play with Felix’s unattended nipple. Felix writhed underneath him and it was beautiful. The blonde backed away for a second, smirked, and then undid the tie in Felix’s hair. He looked better with it down, after all. 

Dimitri returned to kissing Felix like it was the most important thing in the world - slow and sensual - and then reached down to palm the man’s erection. Good, he was there too. He undid and pulled off Felix’s pants, ghosting his hand over what Felix really wanted. Dimitri kicked off his pants and reached for the lube where he knew they left it last. He finally pulled down and off Felix’s boxer briefs. Dimitri watched Felix - he was biting his lip, a dark blush on his cheeks. Felix looked too good; he reached to give him a few strokes and the man immediately cried out in pleasure. Dimitri looked slightly shocked but that was enough encouragement to keep him going. He reached for the lube and pushed the other man’s legs apart, rubbing up and down Felix’s thighs.

Dimitri teased Felix, pushing one, then two fingers inside him, and drawing out the sensation. Felix gasped softly. Dimitri went to work working his fingers inside him and thrusting them in and out. He added another finger and Felix groaned, asking for more. Dimitri only worked harder. He knew Felix wanted to be filled up but he also wanted it to be as painless as possible. Dimitri finally added another finger and began to fuck Felix on them. Felix gasped through his moans, “Want your cock,” and Dimitri felt desire pool inside of him. 

Dimitri placed one of Felix’s legs on his shoulders for better access and pushed inside in a single stroke. Felix felt so good inside and he stayed there for a moment, reveling in him. Dimitri began to move slowly, pulling in and out in a languid way. He continued his rhythm, continued to thrust slowly, rocking in and out of Felix. 

“Feels so good inside of you,” he mumbled. 

Felix let his head fall back and his voice carry freely. Even if he didn’t prefer the slow pace, he couldn’t get over how good Dimitri was making him feel. “You’re so big,” he moaned. “Fuck me harder, huh, Dima?”

_ Dima?  _ Dimitri nearly stopped. Felix hadn’t called him that since they….well since they were children. Without hesitation, Dimitri placed both of Felix’s legs over his shoulders and immediately began to thrust faster and harder. 

_ “Dima,” _ Felix moaned. Dimitri would do anything to hear that name again. As he moved faster, Felix let out more gasps and moans. Dimitri reached down and stroked him. He loved hearing his voice. He continued to thrust into him harder, to follow the direction of what Felix liked. Felix’s walls were so tight around him and the feeling was divine. He grabbed some of Felix’s hair and pulled, pressing their mouths together again. Their kisses were messy and hurried as Dimitri continued to fuck him. He littered Felix with bite marks and love bites.  _ He’s mine  _ he wanted to say, but he knew Felix wasn’t his. 

“Dima, I’m -”

Dimitri knew. He continued to thrust rapidly as he could feel his own completion coming. Felix came first, going slack with pleasure while Dimitri kept going. Dimitri followed soon, shuddering in his arms and cumming in Felix. 

They both lay there for what seemed like forever, overcome with pleasure and satiated. Finally, Felix got up.

“Where are you going?” Dimitri asked.

“To shower. I mean….you came in me, Dimitri.”

Dimitri noticed the change of name. Would he not be called that anymore? “Don’t you think we should talk?”

“What’s there to talk about?” Felix asked. “Please buy some condoms?”

Dimitri stared at Felix blankly. After all this, and Felix still had nothing to say to him. Could he not acknowledge that anything happened between them? Was he just a quick lay to Felix? Was it true that his feelings would never get through to him? Dimitri had done everything full of affection and feeling...but to Felix, it was just desire. Dimitri grimaced. Why even call him Dima? Dimitri saw how Felix was still covered in his marks and felt empty. 

“No….nothing.”

  
  
  


Maybe this was all he would get. But maybe he would take it. 

__________

  
  


Felix was genuinely surprised that Dimitri wanted to have sex with him again. He thought it was a one-time thing and that Dimitri felt no attraction to him. As he showered and  _ tried  _ to get the cum out of him - side note: buy condoms - he still felt shocked at how Dimitri treated him. It had been so different from last time. Dimitri seemed so full of affection and tenderness. The way he showed Felix their favorite song and they danced….The way he teased him relentlessly. It was totally different! What had happened to change Dimitri so much? Felix felt a flare of confused annoyance. He had put in a ton of energy to prepare dinner for him but Dimitri totally won the night. What had he wanted to talk about, though? What was there to talk about? Was there something wrong? If Dimitri wanted to have sex occasionally, maybe that was ok. He just didn’t want to interfere with Dimitri’s life. He was already starting to get way too attached to him. 

Outwardly, Dimitri was a very handsome man and Felix sometimes couldn’t handle how much he was attracted to him. But after reconnecting and getting to know each other some more, Felix was learning more things about Dimitri. He was incredibly thoughtful and considerate, he was compassionate, he was kind. Felix adored how fell Dimitri got along with his cat and how well they got along as roommates. Felix found himself craving Dimitri’s companionship after a long day more and more. He found himself missing Dimitri and thinking about him - and it scared him. He didn’t want to lose him again. He didn’t want to do anything to mess up what they had. If only Dimitri knew how much he meant to him. So if Dimitri wanted to have casual sex, it was fine with Felix. But he was bad with emotions and he’d rather not sort that out and  _ ruin things.  _

____________________

  
  


Dimitri had to wonder sometimes if Felix truly wanted him around. Sometimes he just felt insecure and like a nuisance. After all, he was imposing on the man. Did Felix simply pity him? As much as he could feel his growing affection for Felix and an increasing desire to be around him, he had to wonder that the other man simply did not feel the same way. 

Dimitri was someone who needed to hear it in words. He needed that verbal confirmation but the other man did not want to talk about anything regarding their relationship so…perhaps...there wasn’t actually anything there. It was hard to know that he was growing into wanting something and Felix wasn’t. And regardless of both of these things, he felt guilty making someone put up with himself. Dimitri wasn’t quite fond of himself, despite appearances.. If Felix didn’t want him, it wasn’t Felix’s fault. Dimitri fully enjoyed living with him....but leaving was always an option...going back to his father and begging for forgiveness. He didn’t think much of himself either way. He didn’t matter. His happiness didn’t matter.

Dimitri pulled up to the apartment - their apartment - and parked, getting out. He had badly needed to clear his head, so he had stayed out all day and tried to ignore all forms of communication, including Felix. Unlocking the door, he stepped inside the threshold and immediately saw Felix.

“Dimitri! It’s late. Where have you been all day? I texted you.” And even though it was Felix, his voice was still laced with worry and concern. Felix drew close to Dimitri and looked into his eyes, wanting to reach and touch him but holding back.

Dimitri’s face was washed over with emptiness and a tired sorrow. “I just needed to clear my head.”

Felix frowned. “Did you eat at all today? You know you should take better care of yourself.”

Dimitri frowned too. “I don’t know.” He moved towards the couch, sitting down and staring out blankly. 

Felix followed, pacing around the room and his brow furrowed.. He didn’t know where Dimitri went all day and he had ignored all communication. Dimitri did not seem to be in a great space, either. He didn’t know what he needed. He didn’t know how to help. Felix felt himself start to panic. He reached the couch and sat down beside Dimitri.

What should he do? What  _ could _ he do for Dimitri?

Felix scooted next to Dimitri and wrapped his arms around him slowly, Dimitri relaxed into his touch and returned the hug. He buried his head in Felix’s neck and they stayed there for what seemed like forever. Felix, unsure if he was helping, gently threaded his fingers through Dimitri’s hair repeatedly. This was normal, right? Roommates could do this to each other, right? Felix only wanted to show Dimitri the best of care because he  _ cared _ so damn much about him and just wanted him to be happy. Felix genuinely wished the best for him. 

“Want to go to bed?” Felix asked.

Dimitri nodded, and Felix led him off to their bedroom for the night. 

____________________

Things had gotten a little weird, to say the least, with Dimitri. Felix noticed that he was keeping his distance and winced because he knew it was his fault. Felix couldn’t help it; since they came to know each other again, Felix had become attached despite his best intentions. Sure, they lived together, and there was always this hanging question of “what’s really going to happen to us,” but Dimitri seemed very far away now. Weeks passed and Felix couldn’t help wondering what he’d done wrong. He ran the memories through his mind and came out with nothing. Yes, they’d had sex - twice, and he even called Dimitri an affectionate name from the past - but that didn’t…that didn’t quite mean anything, right? They were just roommates, right? Felix inwardly panicked at the thought of it meaning something more. He just couldn’t handle it. He lost Dimitri once in his life and he wasn’t ready to go through that again. Dimitri seemed so sad….so removed. Was that his fault? Was there something Dimitri couldn’t say? Felix sighed, exasperated. 

And yes, he loved Dimitri’s company and the warmth of his smile, the way he put his arm around Felix so assuredly, the bellow of his laugh, and the quiet that the two of them shared. But these weren’t feelings, right? Feelings would only ruin what they currently had. Felix wasn’t sure  _ what _ they had, but he definitely didn’t want to lose it. He was more terrified of losing Dimitri than anything else and so talking about it was forbidden. But was he the one making Dimitri upset? Felix wasn’t sure he could bear that either. He had to fix it, somehow. Helping Dimitri felt like his duty. And he always wished to remain by that side. Only that and nothing else. Felix wasn’t asking for much. Dimitri didn’t have to love him, or anything close to that. Felix simply wanted to stay close by.

_________________

  
  


Felix didn’t know when Dimitri would be returning home - it was the weekend and he went out a lot these days, though Felix couldn’t imagine where. It made him feel sort of lonely, a loss of comfort of having Dimitri beside him or on the couch doing whatever. Felix decided to prepare dinner in the hopes that Dimitri would return by evening. He reached in the fridge for his desired ingredients and began working on the meal. The minutes seem to flash by as his only thoughts were on the other man - where was he, what was he doing,  _ who was he with.  _ Felix felt the curl of jealousy at the idea of Dimitri being with someone else but had to remind himself that the man did not belong to him and feelings would get him nowhere. But that slight hue of envy refused to fade and he continued on in silence.  _ He’s not mine….He doesn’t love me…. _ Felix told himself.  _ I miss him…..why is he always gone…. _ Felix shook his head. It’s not good to get attached! It’s not good to have feelings! That already cost him Dimitri once. And yet he couldn’t help thinking of Dimitri, the pure essence of the man, and wished he was here, holding him. Felix wanted, needed his touch, in the only language he knew how to speak. He thought back to the last time Dimitri touched him, how passionate and loving he seemed. If only that Dimitri could return and be with him. Felix shook his head. He was being selfish. It was too much to need Dimitri. 

The front door clicked open and Dimitri walked through. It was starting to get late but he had only just finished making everything. Dimitri’s eyes were directed toward the kitchen and the table where the food lay. 

“Hey,” Felix greeted him with.

Something about Dimitri’s eyes seemed lost. He simply nodded.

“You hungry?”

Dimitri nodded again. “Yea.”

They moved to the table and Felix brought out the rest of the food. It was relatively quiet between the two of them as Dimitri seemed frozen. Felix struggled to find common ground to talk about anything. He wished Dimitri would be like he used to be and blamed himself as the meal dragged on, the only sound being the clinking of tableware.

“Where’d you go today?” Felix finally asked.

“Places…..” Dimitri’s response could not be vaguer. 

Felix grew more irritated. “Hey. I’m tired of you acting like this. I actually give a fuck about you so if you could talk to me or let me help….okay, Dimitri?”

Dimitri stared at Felix, and after a long pause, “That is the nicest thing you’ve said to me,”

Felix immediately grew flustered. “That wasn’t nice at all!”

Dimitri smiled. He seemed to relax a little. “I’m going to go watch tv. You should come too.”

There it was. That smile. That was all Felix really wanted to see. Abandoning the dishes in the sink, he left for the couch where he knew Dimitri would be. He wanted to be close….but it seemed like he ruined those boundaries. Dimitri was just so big and warm. Just then, Dimitri threw a blanket over the two of them, giving him an excuse to cuddle more closely. Dimitri really was so warm and big….the perfect person to cuddle against. Felix nearly forgot what he was doing and fell asleep. 

  
  
  


Felix awoke at 3 am holding Dimitri. How and what? His fuzzy and sleepy memories tried to backtrack. He was fully clothed, so it didn’t seem like anything sexual happened. Dimitri probably carried him to the bed? Their bed? Why was he cuddling Dimitri though? Usually, they didn’t touch each other in their sleep. Dimitri really was comfortable, though, and he was so sleepy, thoughts heavy with slumber. What was the point in even setting an alarm? Felix faded back into sleep as he clung onto the blonde.

Someone was playing with his hair. That was his first feeling. But it wasn’t a bad one. Felix rarely ever slept past the early hours of the day but….but just this once he was incredibly comfortable. Whoever was holding him made him feel so safe. Felix slowly opened his eyes and saw Dimitri, glancing down at him with the most loving expression he’d ever seen. Dimitri must have noticed he was awake because he froze, his hand in Felix’s hair paused. Felix felt bad, like he was intruding on something. But how could someone look so lovingly at him like that? Especially Dimitri? Then Felix saw Dimitri panic. 

“Hey…….I’m not mad …..” Felix tried. How could he be? How could he tell Dimitri that this is how he always wanted to be held by him?

Dimitri’s hand slipped out of Felix’s hair and he could almost whine at the loss of attention and contact. “Do you not remember?”

“What?”

“You fell asleep on the couch against me and so I carried you back to bed but...once I put you down you sort of you just clung to me.”

_ What?!? _

Dimitri must have seen the embarrassment and horror overcome Felix in varying hues of a deepening blush. “Hey, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with a cuddle.”

Felix groaned, “I can’t believe I made you  _ hold  _ me all night,”

“Really, Felix, that’s not something you need to apologize for.” 

Felix’s tone changed. “I’ll make it up to you,” He reached down to stroke through Dimitri’s clothes for his length. 

“Felix…...ah…..that is something you really don’t need to bother yourself with.”

Felix ran another teasing stroke down Dimitri’s pants. God, he was so big. And Felix wanted. 

“Hey, who says this is something that bothers me?”

Where should he start? Felix paused for a moment, looking at the ever delicious dish that was Dimitri and ignoring his own feelings when the man kissed him. Dimitri kissed hard and fast in an all-consuming way like he was trying to eat him or devour his soul. Felix would not mind being devoured. His feelings for Dimitri were only growing and they were getting harder to hide. He would let Dimitri consume him before he ruined everything. 

Dimitri pulled off his clothes somewhat impatiently and Felix couldn’t help but delight that he was that eager to get to him. The blonde kissed trails up and down Felix’s neck and collarbone, leaving marks all over and making work of his tongue. It was almost surreal for them to be having sex midday like this but both of them clearly wanted it and neither was going to stop. Dimitri fit one of Felix’s nipples in his mouth, sucking and tugging and listening to the gentle moans Felix made. He moved his mouth to fit the other nipple in his mouth - perhaps it was more sensitive - and experimentally sucked, listening to Felix’s sounds. Felix’s body was incredibly toned from his incessant workouts and the blonde loved to explore it and worship it. Felix reached his hands into the blonde mess that was Dimitri’s hair as he kissed and licked lower while Dimitri tried to commit every detail of Felix to memory.

Dimitri couldn’t help his overflowing feelings for Felix. He kissed and bit nearly every surface he could, littering Felix’s skin with marks. The blonde teased Felix’s inner thighs, sucking on the skin and watching him grow with impatience. He took the length in his mouth for only a moment, licking the head, the underside, slowly bobbing Felix’s dick. Felix moaned loudly, grabbing anything for purchase. Oh, how he loved to hear Felix’s sounds. How he loved to tease him. Every mark he left on Felix’s body seemed to scream  _ he’s mine. He’s all mine.  _ Because, after all, Dimitri didn’t know if Felix had any other lovers. So he might as well make himself memorable.

He couldn’t wait to open Felix up. Dimitri pushed two lubed up fingers inside Felix, waiting for him, listening to his sounds. He curled his fingers inside Felix and spread them apart. It was like Felix was waiting for him because he wasn’t that tight. Dimitri eagerly added a third finger, thrusting it in and out. Felix became more reactive and Dimitri smiled, keeping a hand on his hip. After a few moments, he was ready for the fourth. He heard Felix gasp at the entrance, a slight moan, and smiled. Dimitri continued to thrust in and out, continued to fuck Felix with his fingers as all sorts of moans escaped him.

But that wasn’t quite what either of them wanted. 

“Dima put it in. Fill me,” his voice betraying just a hint of a whine.

There was nothing quite like listening to Felix’s orders during sex. And he had called him Dima again…… But there was no hesitation. Dimitri removed his fingers.

“Get on your knees,” Dimitri said very quietly, almost whispering. 

Felix crawled onto his hands and knees and Dimitri positioned himself while admiring the view. Dimitri pushed in and Felix’s back dipped into the pressure as the blonde grabbed him by the hip and finished filling him. They stayed like that for a moment, Felix getting used to the position. Then, Dimitri began to move. It was longer and slower movements and first but Felix began to tell him to hurry up under strained breath. Dimitri grabbed both sides of Felix’s hips, knowing he was holding so hard it’d bruise, and began to pound into Felix. The apartment was filled with the sounds of their moans and sweaty movements as Felix cried out and Dimitri relished in the pleasure. It was only in these moments that Felix felt like his. He longed to call Felix his own but he knew Felix didn’t love him. But here, under the sweat and hormones of sex, with Felix under him calling out his name and begging for more, he could play pretend. He knew he didn’t have much, but he had this. Even if, when it was over, he felt so infinitely empty. Even if Felix would never say those words he so desperately wanted to hear. 

“Harder, Dima. Fill me, please!” Felix moaned.

His body said yes to that before anything else. And how could he not? Dimitri focused his body on thrusting harder and reached down to stroke Felix’s cock. He knew he’d hit that perfect spot in Felix but he wanted him to feel as good as possible. Felix’s hair flowed down his back as Dimitri continuously hit into him and he couldn’t help but think how pretty it was. Dimitri grabbed Felix’s hair and pulled his head back for a kiss. It wasn’t something that Felix rejected. But they only kissed during sex. 

Dimitri felt himself approach completion and his movements became more frantic and hurried. He wanted to feel that good relief and he wanted Felix to feel it too. The slapping of skin resounded in the apartment along with Felix’s loud moans. Dimitri wanted to say positive things, to encourage him, to tell him how beautiful he was, but he knew that was out of bounds. Instead, he continued to stroke Felix’s very hard member and hoped for respite. It was in a hurried moment that pleasure overcame him and he came before Felix, spilling inside of him. He continued to stroke him though, and made sure that Felix arrived there as well. 

Dimitri pulled out of Felix somberly realizing that this is the part where Felix says he wants nothing to do with him. All of his love, and it meant nothing. Felix would never come to care for him. He started to close off. 

Felix rolled over and basked in the pleasure for a moment. Dimitri was so much. He was so beautiful, so strong, so intelligent, so capable, and he was choosing to do this with him. Felix ached for him. It was true, he didn’t want things to get too complicated - but that was only because he was terrified of losing Dimitri like when he was a child! Felix loved living with Dimitri, loved spending time with him, loved having sex with him……...did that mean he loved him?

But there was no way, right? But it was entirely possible. He was 100% in love with Dimitri like a lovestruck teen. Now they were adults though. Getting to know this new, adult Dimitri had been so much, but so much fun. But there was no way Dimitri felt the same. It was impossible. Felix didn’t even know what somebody loving him felt like. Dimitri was probably having sex with him as a quick way to get laid…..

He glanced up at Dimitri who seemed to be lost in thought. Then Dimitri laid down next to Felix. Weird, huh. Maybe Felix just needed to touch him or kiss him to know if he really loved him. They had kissed plenty of times before, right? Like before sex, or during that time when they slow danced. It should be normal to kiss  _ after sex,  _ right? Felix rolled over to face Dimitri and pressed his lips gently to Dimitri’s. Dimitri audibly gasped. Felix raised a hand to run through Dimitri’s now relatively sweaty hair and couldn’t help the overwhelming affection he’d always had burst through. He’d  _ always  _ loved this man. Time had set them apart. But he’d do anything not to lose him again. 

“Oh, I should probably shower, I’m gross,” Felix said, more to himself.

Dimitri smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c'mon guys! just talk!


	5. And I always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden change in the living situation; Lambert shows up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for lambert's verbal/emotional abuse

Things got a little calmer after that. Felix continued his work at the office and Dimitri continued his freelance work, whose pace evened out and he had more downtime. It was almost like things were going in a good direction for once and that was scary. The what-ifs still stood broadly in the air but it was a tad bit easier to get along. Felix was thankful for the good moments and felt like he finally had a moment to breathe. What did throw Felix into a panic, though, was that his lease was ending in a couple of months and he could not foresee a situation where he and Dimitri would live together again. As it was, they were both cramped together in his small apartment and had to share a bedroom. While Felix enjoyed every moment of living with Dimitri, he doubted that the other man wanted to continue living like that, especially when he had a considerable amount of money and they only made this arrangement in an emergency. He was sure that Dimitri wanted his own space. Dimitri only stayed with him because Felix nearly demanded it when he was evicted, but he was sure that the other man could find something considerably nicer without a roommate. Why was there any reason to even stick around? Many times Felix wondered why Dimitri even did but he kept his ideas to himself, too worried that the company he enjoyed so deeply would vanish. Even more than that, Felix was starting to think that he had real feelings for the blonde but that only terrified him. There was absolutely no way Dimitri felt the same way and if he found out he would probably just be upset….or disappointed. Just because they had sex and lived together wasn’t a valid reason for him to develop deep feelings. Just because they made some childhood promises didn’t mean that Felix held any right. Dimitri would be tired of him. Felix tried to brainstorm ways to stay with him but in the end, he somberly realized he just had to cherish what time left he had. This was bound to happen in the end.

  
  
  


Dimitri was freaking out a little. Well, a lot. He found out from overhearing Felix on the phone that the apartment’s lease was up soon. That meant he likely had little time left to ever spend with Felix again. He could not imagine Felix wanting him around afterward or merely spending time with him. Felix seemed like someone who truly valued their own space and although they got along well, it simply wouldn’t be the same. The level of closeness and intimacy that they shared from living together was not something he could capture by seeing Felix every once in a while. And how he  _ yearned  _ for him. Dimitri drank in Felix’s presence, his very being, every day. It became hard to imagine not seeing him anymore. But it was also difficult to imagine Felix wanting to live together again. Where would he go after Felix was done with him? Did he truly mean nothing to the other man? Did Felix have other lovers? Just the thought twisted up his stomach in horrible contortions. Was everything he did in vain? Should he have just stayed with his father’s company?

But no. Even though it wasn’t the longest time, and he wished he had more, he would always cherish this time he got to know Felix and spend time with him. It was obvious he didn’t love him, and Dimitri was just going to have to live with that, but he could always think about the time they shared. This was hard….Maybe he should go back to his father’s company after all. It’s not like Felix would ever love him. 

_______________

Dimitri had one place he wanted to go to settle his thoughts. He drove out to his old apartment, a quiet, pensive drive where his mind clouded over with too many things. Absentmindedly, he wondered if anything was still intact, or if any of his possessions remained.

Over at the high rise, his key still worked and he ascended the elevator to the floor he used to live. He was not expecting the figure in front of the door, however.

“Father.”

“Dimitri.”

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Dimitri calmly asked.

“Only checking in on what’s mine.” Lambert paused. “So when will you come back?”

Dimitri struggled for words. “I’m not -” 

Lambert chuckled an eerie laugh. “Pray, tell me why? I gave you everything you needed,”

“Well, I love him,” Dimitri stood his ground.

Lambert threw his head back. “And you think he loves you?”

“Well, I -”

“You think anyone can love you?”

  
  


“....”

  
  


“You, boy, are a  _ monster. Nobody  _ can love you. Especially that twit of a Fradlarius boy. We all remember what happened to Patricia.”

Dimitri listened, eyes cast on the ground. Why did he think there was even the slightest of hope that Felix could love him? Nobody could love him. He was a monster. That’s simply how it was. Nobody could change that. His father was right. He had always been right. He felt like a fool.

Dimitri drove back home quietly.

____________________________

  
  


Felix came home later that night than usual. When he walked in the door Dimitri immediately enveloped him in an intense kiss and began to tug on his clothes. This was the first time Dimitri ever initiated sex so Felix was surprised. They pulled each other’s clothes off in a desperate attempt to get to skin as they made way to the bedroom and shut the door behind them. Felix could barely let out a word as Dimitri’s lips were all over him. It was almost as if he was frantic, eager, too passionate. Dimitri drew out an assortment of sounds from Felix, sucking on his skin and making good use of his tongue. Felix’s skin became speckled with love bites and marks, teeth skidding across his skin. Dimitri almost seemed frenzied or agitated and Felix wanted to ask if he was okay but he kept layering on pleasure. There was no moment to speak up. It seemed like a blur and that maybe Dimitri was being rougher than normal. 

Dimitri slid a couple of lubed-up fingers inside Felix - he knew he was loose and he was impatient. He could feel that Felix was ready after some preparation and wasn’t willing to wait any longer. 

He pushed inside Felix so he could still see his face and Felix’s legs wrapped around his waist. He loved watching Felix’s face contort in pleasure. With not much warning he began to move quickly.  _ I’m not a monster. I’m not a monster.  _ Felix’s moans reverberated around the room. He was so soft and he felt so good, but he wasn’t Dimitri’s.  _ He doesn’t love me. He’ll never love me.  _ Dimitri moved more rapidly and frantically like there was a message he could achieve. Felix cried and wrapped his arms around his neck in a tender motion of intimacy. 

“Dimaaaaaa ----Dima. Dima. Dima,” Felix moaned.

As Felix cried out that special name, Dimitri couldn’t help but feel a surge of affection. He laid down extra kisses and love bites around Felix’s neck, tugging his hair hard. The blonde reached down to stroke Felix’s needy cock while he thrust, hitting Felix’s prostate and making him go wild. Felix grabbed at Dimitri’s body and continued to call out for him. Dimitri went more erratically, feeling lovestruck and frantic, and wanting to claim Felix as his. 

“Dima,  _ please,” _

Dimitri could only give him everything he wanted and more. He continued to hit that sweet spot and then felt Felix go slack in his arms. Overcome with adoration and affection, Dimitri let himself come too, biting down hard on Felix’s neck. 

They lay there for a moment, but as Dimitri began to realize how hard he bit down on Felix’s neck and how it started to bruise, he was horrified. What had he just done? It felt almost too easy to get carried away when he was with Felix, though.

  
  


_ “You’re a monster” _

  
  


_ “Nobody could ever love you,” _

  
  


Dimitri grabbed something to cover himself and dashed out of the room, anywhere where he wouldn’t have to see that bite mark.

Felix was confused. One moment they were having a good time and the next Dimitri looked like he was about to cry. He should at least check on him, right? Felix was worried. He put on a pair of sweatpants and went to search for Dimitri, which wasn’t that hard - he was in the bathroom, but it seemed like a delicate situation. He didn’t know why Dimitri was upset and didn’t want to make things worse. In the bathroom, with the lights dimmed, Dimitri seemed to shake and it almost seemed like he’d been crying. Felix was extremely concerned but at a loss. 

It seemed like Dimitri heard him come in. He didn’t turn around. For a moment they sat in silence.

“Hey,” Felix began.

“....Sorry about that,” Dimitri mumbled.

“Huh? For what?”

“For biting you.”

  
  


That couldn’t possibly be what’s upsetting him. “That’s no big deal,” Felix assured him.

  
  


“It’s dark,” Dimitri responded. 

So what? Felix had to admit, he kind of had a thing for being bitten. He glanced over in the mirror and was pleased with what he saw. “I’m not bothered.”

  
  


Felix didn’t hear a response from Dimitri and he was only growing more worried. What was wrong? Why couldn’t they talk? He was genuinely concerned. He fidgeted there for a moment, starting to feel anxious too. He desperately didn’t want to mess up this situation.

Felix moved closer to the taller man and hesitantly and slowly hugged him from behind. He wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing but he was willing to do anything to put a smile back on Dimitri’s face. Dimitri flinched against the contact but then allowed Felix to hold him. Felix laid his head against Dimitri’s back and held him tightly.

“I’m not sure why you’re upset….but I’m not upset at you. I had a really good time with you…...and I always have a good time with you. I’d murder anyone who made you sad.”

  
  


Dimitri stayed quiet.

“I’m bad at this...emotions...but I’m here for you. I don’t want you to be upset. I um…... I care… about you……You honestly didn’t do anything wrong. You were making me feel so good.”

  
  


Dimitri didn’t respond. 

  
  


“And I like living with you. I really enjoy spending time with you. And Aegis likes you. So please don’t be sad.”

  
  


Dimitri stayed silent for a long time, Felix simply holding him and listening to his heartbeat, thinking about how much he loved him but didn’t have the courage to say so.  _ If only he knew. If only I could tell him.  _

  
  


After a while, Dimitri pulled out of the embrace and gave Felix a gentle smile. “Thank you, but I think I’m going to go to bed.” Felix followed suit, hoping everything would be ok in the morning, that the daylight would bring some respite and clarity. He was frustrated in his inability to help Dimitri and didn’t want to show anger. Everything would be okay in the morning. Everything would go back to normal. 

  
  


______________________

  
  


Felix’s alarm was set to four A.M. It’s blaring sound went off like normal but something was eerily off. Dimitri’s side of the bed was empty. Dimitri rarely woke early - let alone before Felix so that was a dead giveaway that something weird was going on. Felix figured that perhaps he needed to use the restroom or clear his head but…There was a note. The space was barely warm. Felix checked all the rooms in the apartment and Dimitri’s things were gone. The giant duffle bag that he brought here was gone. Things were happening too fast for Felix. All he knew was that he was shoving on the nearest clothes he could find and running after Dimitri.

  
  


_ To Felix: _

_ I cannot bear to stay by your side anymore when I know you do not love me. _

  
  


He was so, so fucking stupid. He had no idea. Did this mean that Dimitri loved him? The letter did not specify. But that would mean, all this time he was afraid of never seeing Dimitri again because he got attached - but Dimitri thought he was not attached. It’s true that Felix avoided talking about his feelings at all costs but…..He truly did love Dimitri - he simply had other ways of showing it. But fuck if he would let anything separate him from Dimitri again. He would find him and tell him in any way possible. Was this possibly connected to last night?

Felix drove like a madman to a few possible locations but Dimitri was nowhere to be found. The indignation of not being able to locate him was driving him up the wall and he slammed on the brakes, grinding his teeth in frustration. Dimitri had always been going out at strange hours and it could be difficult to find him. He should have paid closer attention to Dimitri. He had simply thought that the other man would stay and tried not to think about the idea of him leaving. He had simply tried to put the unpleasantries out of his mind. But the reality of him turning around and disappearing was present - and at a bad time too. How could Felix fix this? How could he even  _ find  _ Dimitri? The idea of Dimitri somewhere out there, cold and upset in this early morning, only agitated him more. Felix cursed himself.

That was when it hit him - the pier downtown. Why he would be there at this hour in the morning was not really in the equation. Now was the time for action. Dimitri had occasionally talked about walking along the docks, how seeing the ocean was such a novel sight in comparison to his childhood up north. Felix decided that it was now or never to make the trip. The barest traces of sunlight were only beginning to hit the sky. The dawn dripped with fog and Felix made his way downtown, his mind laced with worry and anger. Barely a thought went through his mind on the way there and only the need to see Dimitri pervaded his mind.

There, on the empty docks, stood a lone figure in a coat. One would have to wonder what someone was doing here at this hour but Felix knew exactly who and why and what. He ran all the way down the pier, the lamps still on and the fog rolling in. The figure could only be one person. The blonde hair and height were a dead give away. Felix ran towards him and grabbed his arm. Anything to get his attention.  _ Please don’t leave me. I’m sorry.  _ Dimitri turned to look at him, his whole body jumping in surprise and their eyes locking.

“What,” a slightly out of breath Felix began, “the fuck is wrong with you?”

Dimitri’s face dropped. “I see you’ve come here to berate me,”

“No.” Felix frowned, voice frustrated and unpleasant. He held up the note. Dimitri stared. “This is not how you tell someone you love them. They don’t teach that in rich person school?”

Dimitri looked caught off guard. “I - I don’t understand,”

Felix stepped closer, jabbing a finger at Dimitri. “Do you have  _ any  _ idea how much I love you? I think about that promise we made multiple times a day. When you moved and I couldn’t contact you ever again, that changed me forever. And now that we know each other again? I worry about you all the time. I think about you all the time. I care about you so much it makes my chest hurt.” Felix’s eyes began to tear up. Fuck, he hated this. He hated being emotional and...honest. He hated saying his feelings out loud. But he needed to stay it so Dimitri could hear it and understand him. “I’m happiest when I’m next to you and honestly…..honestly the happiest I’ve been in a long time has been with you,”

The cold of the early morning was nothing next to Dimitri immediately embracing Felix so tightly and pressing their mouths together. They stood like there for a solid moment before Dimitri had to tell him his words,  _ had  _ to communicate his feelings.

“I love you, too, Felix. I love you so much.” His voice quivered softly. “I’ve honestly wanted this from the first moment I saw you again, but I thought I didn’t deserve it. And then I thought you only wanted me for sex,” Dimitri added. 

“It’s not true that you don’t deserve it!” Felix nearly shouted. “I’ll hit whoever gave you that idea. You do deserve good things,”

“Felix…..”

“And honestly,” Felix began, “I thought I was the one with one-sided feelings. I always thought I had limited time with you. I just wanted more time,”

Dimitri drew the two of them closer, wrapping his arms around Felix and threading his fingers through his hair affectionately. “....so the whole time?”

Felix looked down. “I thought if you knew I liked you, you’d leave,”

Dimitri sputtered. Felix Hugo Fraldarius, love of his childhood and center of his world was telling him that he was afraid he would leave him? That he was afraid to confess his feelings for fear of getting rejected? It was too much to bear. Dimitri embraced Felix perhaps more tightly, laying his forehead onto Felix’s. 

“Felix, I would never  _ ever  _ leave you. I thought that you had no need for  _ me. _ ”

A shaky breath passed between Felix’s lips. “Dima.” 

Dimitri smiled brightly, as wide as the oncoming dawn. “Let’s go home.” There was no more looking back. His hand gripped Felix’s tightly. 

_____________

In the depths of their bed, Dimitri kissed Felix gently, running fingers through his free hair and running his lips over him. Felix responded well to the affection like a cat being pet. They had come home just as the sun was rising and neither could catch sleep. The blonde laid affection on Felix and seemed particularly happy. 

“So that makes me your boyfriend...I guess?”

Felix nodded and leaned into Dimitri’s lips. He seemed to emanate body heat and it was infinitely better to cuddle under the covers than whatever they were doing before. Dimitri laughed openly as he held Felix and laid affection to his neck. His eyes met the bite mark from the other night and he paused. Felix grew worrisome.

“You ok?”

“It bruised pretty badly,” Dimitri commented.

Felix pushed himself so he could look into Dimitri’s eyes. “Haven’t I told you that I like being bitten?”

Dimitri pressed his lips together. Whatever was bothering him was clouding his mind. Felix waited patiently as Dimitri fingered the bruise. 

After a moment, he spoke up. “My father…..he always told me that I was a monster. That I destroyed people,”

“....Listen, your dad…...he was wrong about a lot of things. But I knew you. And I know you now.” Felix laced his fingers with Dimitri’s. “You’re the farthest thing from a monster. You don’t destroy people...You never have.”

Felix watched Dimitri’s eyes well up with tears and overflow. Felix simply held him. He could do that for any amount of time. He would do anything to let Dimitri know how important he was and so that he wouldn’t think negatively of himself. Felix had realized by now that Dimitri struggled with his mood at times, but he only wanted to help him. As he held Dimitri in his arms, he felt an incredible surge of affection and an urge to protect him. He would never let Dimitri’s father near him again. They both would stay together and be happy. Nothing would ever separate them again. Dimitri leaned into him and they traded kisses. Dimitri kissed him low and deep and Felix grabbed onto him, held onto him like he was the only person in the world and he would never let go.

His breath heavy, Dimitri muttered into Felix’s ear. “And I am so grateful for knowing you,”

Felix kissed back with a rivaled desperation, lips wanting for more. “No….I...”

They went back to each other’s lips for more, hungry for what they’d been denied in the past months. Felix and Dimitri stayed like that for hours, a mess of tears and affection, of cuddles and skin, and never grew tired of each other. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to the wonderful Ciry for being my beta!   
> everything else.....I tried my best


End file.
